Volte face
by ducksgoQUACK
Summary: A little magic seeks to end Reno and Elena's quarrelling by helping them see things from each other's point of view...literally. Can they handle this maturely? Probably not. Chapter 10 finally up! Yay!
1. For the love of Tsengie

**A/N: **_This little "gem", if one can call it that, was born out of boredom and a wandering imagination while I was vacuuming one day. Go figure. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy. Please review--it really helps me with the future chapters. (But you already knew that. ) Thanks in advance for reading! And please, don't flame me, lest you make my cat cry. OO_

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the Turks, or Shin-Ra Inc., or anything else in Final Fantasy VII world. What, you think I'd be sitting around writing fanfictions if I did? _

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**Chapter One: _For the love of Tsengie_**

The Turks were quiet as they rode passively toward headquarters in the back of a Shin-Ra van.

Now, this could have been due to the fact that Tseng had threatened to fire the next person who dared make any unnecessary sound. However, it was more likely because Rude had taken it upon himself to halt Reno and Elena's latest squabble by tying up and gagging both of them. That didn't stop them from glaring at each other across the aisle between their seats, however, and the unspoken hostility in the small space of the van's interior was palpable.

"You two idiots almost botched the mission," Tseng spoke up for the hundredth time. "If you can't put aside your personal feud long enough to take care of the company's affairs, we're going to have to take drastic action."

Reno's blue eyes suddenly lit up above his gag, and he awkwardly reached over with his bound hands to seize a notepad which was tucked into a recess on the door. Then, with a look of intense determination, he began trying to get a pen out of his jacket pocket.

"Don't bother," Tseng spoke up, glancing at his redheaded co-worker disdainfully. "I know what you're going to write, and I'm not firing Elena and giving you her new desk."

Reno sighed around the gag and slumped in his seat.

"Sir?" the low-rank soldier who had been driving the van now turned around in his seat. "We've arrived."

Tseng nodded. "Thank you," he answered, thinking longingly of going home and crashing on his couch. He had almost shut the van's door again when a series of angry, muffled yells reminded him that Reno and Elena were still tied up in their seats.

"Want to leave them there?" Rude asked, folding his arms.

"Well..." Tseng hesitated. It was a very, very tempting idea...but if the President found out that two of his most trusted employees had been left helpless in a van overnight, he might be angry. Besides, it would wreck his karma. "I suppose we should untie them," Tseng said finally. "But if you two start arguing again, I swear I'll run you over with this van and then give your bodies to Hojo."

Reno and Elena shuddered together, and when their bonds were cut, they obediently remained silent-although it was obvious they were itching to argue again. Tseng ignored them as he clocked out as quickly as he could and left. If they did start arguing again, he didn't want to be there to hear it, although if they had any shred of maturity left they'd go home and think about the near-failure their bickering had caused.

As soon as the door to his apartment shut behind him, Tseng felt himself begin to relax. For a few hours, at least, he could forget about his worries at work. He began planning out his evening as he walked through his apartment-change into something more comfortable, lay on the couch and watch Midgarian Idol, maybe order a pizza instead of cooking...

...and then the phone rang, having the same effect on Tseng's plans as a hammer has on a terracotta pot. _(A/N: Seriously, go try the hammer/terracotta pot thing. It's great. :P)_

He glanced down at his caller ID, dreading whose number he might see-Elena, Reno, even the President's number-but, instead, it was only his grandmother. Belatedly he remembered that it was Wednesday, which meant that it was time for his grandmother's weekly call to "check up" on him. Generally the whole hour and a half of conversation consisted of his grandmother ranting about which doddering old lady had won at bingo the night before, and why she must have been cheating. The calls were uncannily similar every week, and Tseng kept promising himself that he was going to eventually record himself saying "Yes...is that so?...you don't say...yes, of course..."

Still, Tseng knew that he had to take the call, or else risk having his mother call and nag him, which would be far worse. He reluctantly picked up the phone and sank down in the nearest chair. "Hi, Grandma," he said dutifully, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"Tsengie!" she said in delight. The Turk winced at the sobriquet which only his grandmother had permission to use, and prayed silently-as he always did when she called-that Reno never, ever found out about his nickname. "I'm so glad to hear from you, dear," the old Wutaiian woman went on brightly. "It's so nice of you to call me."

Tseng didn't bother telling his grandmother that she had called him, not the other way around-she wouldn't remember the next time she called, anyway. "You're welcome, Grandma," he answered. "So, how are things at your bingo club?"

"Oh! You won't believe what happened," his grandmother began. As she began prattling on, Tseng pulled out a frozen dinner and put it in the oven, occasionally chiming in a "yes" or "really?" whenever she paused for breath. His thoughts wandered back to Reno and Elena-what was he going to do about those two? A little bickering now and then wasn't such a big deal, but when it got in the way of their job, it was up to him to solve the problem. He didn't want to transfer one of them to Junon, but it might be necessary, if...

"Tsengie? Tsengie, are you listening?"

His grandmother's quavering voice brought him back to the present. "Um, yes, Grandma," he lied. "I can't believe that she won instead of you. If I get some time off work, I'll have to have a talk with the people who run your bingo club."

"Tsengie, I just told you that I finally won," his grandmother answered reproachfully.

_Oops. _"I'm sorry," Tseng said, fumbling for an answer. "I think the connection's bad on this end...it sounded like you said that someone else won, not you. But you finally got to win? That's great!"

His grandmother laughed into the phone. "You can't lie to your grandmother, Tsengie," she said gently. "Why don't you tell me what's really on your mind?"

Tseng hesitated. He didn't like to talk about affairs at work with non-employees...but, given that it was his grandmother, she'd probably forget what they were talking about halfway through the conversation. "Well, alright," he answered at last. "I went on a mission with some coworkers today..." He proceeded to tell her about how Elena and Reno had gotten in a heated argument and nearly ruined the mission, and how the only reason the two had stopped fighting was because they'd been gagged and tied up. "It's not the first time something like this has happened either," Tseng finished. "I don't know what I'm going to do. Those two make my job ten times as difficult."

"Hmm..." He could hear his grandmother riffling through something on the other end. "I have a picture here of you with your coworkers," she said at last. "Which ones are the troublemakers?"

"Elena's the woman with short blonde hair," Tseng replied, wondering why his grandmother wanted to have an idea of what Elena and Reno looked like. "And Reno's got bright red hair and is the only one with his shirt untucked. You can't miss him."

"My word," his grandmother said in a tone of disapproval. "Does that young man's mother know that he looks that way?"

Tseng smiled slightly. "I'm not sure if Reno has a mother," he began.

"Hatched from an egg, eh? That explains a lot."

Tseng's smile broadened into a grin. He'd meant that Reno's mother might be dead, or at least out-of-touch with her son, but his grandmother had her own way of looking at things.

"Tsengie, your grandma's feeling a bit tired," his grandmother said abruptly. "I'm going to go on to bed. Give my love to your pet cat, will you, dear?"

_I don't own a cat,_ Tseng thought, shaking his head. "I will, Grandma. Have a nice rest."

Tseng hung up the phone and walked into his kitchen to check on his frozen dinner, glad that at least he'd been able to vent about Elena and Reno to someone.

At the same time, on the other side of the Planet, his grandmother carefully pulled the picture of the Turks out of her photo album and stared at it intently. "I don't want anyone bothering my favorite grandson," she commented aloud. "Perhaps it's time for you two to see things from another point of view..."

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**_Chapter Two Preview--_I never liked my feet, anyway: **_Tseng's grandmother takes matters into her own hands--and Reno and Elena wake up with something much worse than a hangover... (Like you haven't already guessed what's going to happen.) _

_Please review: )_


	2. I never liked my feet, anyway

**A/N: **_Chapter Two, which I'm posting with Chapter One because...well, because I can, and because I'm hoping I'll pique more interest this way than I would by posting Chapter One solo. Once more, if you could review and let me know what you think, what you'd like to see happen, etc., it would be greatly appreciated. Hugs to you for reading! _

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the Turks, or Shin-Ra Inc., or anything else in Final Fantasy VII world--not even one measly speck of dust. But if any of you want to give me Vincent Valentine for Christmas, I'll gladly hand out my mailing address and pay shipping. _

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**Chapter Two: _I never liked my feet, anyway_**

**BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...**

Reno groaned, rolled over in bed, and slapped at the place on his nightstand where his alarm clock should have been. His hand fruitlessly hit what felt like a paperback novel, which he knocked to the floor by accident. _I hate it I can't find the alarm clock,_ he thought darkly, sitting up in bed and squinting at the nightstand. The alarm clock was nowhere in sight.

**BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...**

"I'M AWAKE!" Reno yelled in irritation, fighting free of the blankets and walking with sleepy, awkward steps across the room. His alarm clock was sitting on the dresser. "What idiot put it all the way over here?" he grumbled, yanking the cord out of the wall. Then he glanced down, realizing that someone had left lip gloss and a small bottle of body spray on his dresser. _I hate it when girls leave their stuff here, too,_ he thought darkly, grabbing the offending articles and dropping them in the trash. _What, they don't have their own dresser at home?_

He wandered slowly out of the bedroom and into the living room-at which point he realized that he wasn't in his own home anymore. _I must've went home with some girl-I don't remember doing that, but it wouldn't be the first time I've woken up wondering where I am. It explains the alarm clock being in the wrong spot, anyway._

Reno made his way through the living room and into the kitchen, wondering where the girl he'd apparently spent the night with was at. "Hellooo?" he called-but there was no answer. "Maybe she had to go to work early," he reasoned aloud, shrugging as he opened the unfamiliar refrigerator and looked over the contents. "Hope she doesn't mind if I make myself some breakfast."

He had just pulled out a carton of orange juice and a couple of eggs when the doorbell rang. "Coming!" Reno called, then cleared his throat when he heard how odd his voice sounded, wondering if he had caught a cold or something. The doorbell rang again, this time two rapid _dings_ in a row, as if the visitor had come on a matter of the utmost urgency. "Keep your shorts on, yo," Reno muttered as he walked over to the door, flung it open...

...and came face-to-face with an exact copy of himself.

"What the-" Reno began, gaping at the visitor. "Who the heck are you?"

The Reno-replica pushed past him and into the apartment, shutting the door quickly and looking around with an almost suspicious glance. "Good, you didn't touch anything," the stranger said, sounding relieved.

"Well, I was going to get some orange juice..." Reno began, glancing over his shoulder toward the kitchen.

The Reno-replica stared at him in astonishment. "You idiot," he said dryly. "You haven't even noticed, have you?"

"Noticed what?" Reno asked in confusion. "That you look like me? Yeah, I noticed that, but I guess there are worse people you could be..."

"Come on," the Reno-replica said in annoyance, dragging Reno by the wrist into the bedroom and stopping in front of a full-length mirror. "Look," he ordered.

Reno stared in the mirror obediently. There was the stranger who looked and sounded exactly like him, and there was Elena standing in an oversized t-shirt that she apparently used as a nightgown. No big deal.

_Wait..._

"HOLY SH#T!"

"Yes, you moron!" the Reno-replica shouted back at Reno. "I'm in your body. You're in my body. We switched places somehow!"

Reno stared at his companion uncertainly. "...Elena?" he asked in realization.

She nodded, looking defeated. "No duh," she answered glumly. "What are we going to do, Reno? We can't just live each other's lives forever!"

Reno paused, looking around her room. "Well...I don't know about you, but...I'm going to go look at myself naked!" He began tugging off the knee-length t-shirt he wore.

"Don't you dare, you pervert!" Elena yanked the t-shirt back down, glaring at him. "Now, listen. I was thinking we should get you-me, I mean-in uniform, then go to work and try to get through the day normally. Then, after work, we can go to the library and look up information on phenomena like this one...Reno? What are you doing?"

Reno glanced up, flipping his-or rather, Elena's-blonde hair out of his face as he slid shut one of her drawers. "Finding some fresh underwear to put on," he replied. "I've got to put on my uniform, right? Which reminds me..." He opened up the drawer and pulled out a pair of lacy, lavender panties. "What does someone like you want with undies like these?"

"Stop it!" Elena snapped at him, jerking the offending garment out of his hands and stuffing it into the drawer. "I am not letting you dress me, so you can just get that idea out of your head."

"Relax, would you?" Reno asked, his face taking on a more serious expression. "It's not like I've never seen a naked woman before."

"But you haven't seen me naked!" Elena protested, folding her arms.

"And whose fault is that?" Reno replied, walking over to her closet and flinging open the door. "Wow, you need more clothes," he commented over his shoulder.

"Stop it!" Elena repeated, hurrying over to the closet. "You are not dressing me!"

"Then how am I going to get into a uniform?" he asked. Elena paused, uncertain of the answer to that dilemma herself. "See?" Reno said triumphantly, pulling out a fresh pair of slacks and laying them across the bed.

"All right," Elena said in defeat after a moment. "But you'd better not take too long, and don't go staring at yourself-me, I mean-in a mirror. Got it?"

"Fine, fine," Reno answered. "Now would you get out? Getting dressed is kinda personal...even if it is your body I'm dressing."

Elena reluctantly left the room, shutting the bedroom door behind her. Once she was gone, Reno sighed heavily and began changing clothing. He'd tried to act confident and unconcered, since Elena was clearly a spaz case at the moment-but, truth be told, he was more than a little freaked out himself. After all, it wasn't every day that one woke up and realized one had breasts.

He fumbled with Elena's bra-he hadn't realized how complicated these things were to get on. _Strap here, strap there, little hook thingies-why won't this $# thing hook together already! Wait, wait, I don't have the strap over my left shoulder-_

"Everything okay?" Elena called from outside.

"Um...sure!" Reno lied.

Elena barged in without permission, frowning at Reno. "What are you doing?" she demanded, staring at his half-on, half-off bra. Then, without warning, she reached out and helped him get the undergarment in question on in a series of deft, practiced movements. "Stupid," she commented scornfully.

"Hey, it's not like I've ever had to practice," Reno said defensively as he continued dressing. "Cut me some slack, will ya? And meanwhile, I bet you couldn't crush a beer can on your head, even if you are in my body."

"I bet I don't want to crush a beer can on my head!" Elena answered, throwing her hands up, then reaching out and straightening his shirt. "There, that's good," she said with satisfaction. "You could pass for me. Almost."

"You couldn't," Reno answered without hesitation. "Do you have any hair gel? My hair looks horrible on you. Did you even brush it out?"

"I tried," Elena answered flatly. "The brush broke."

"Ha ha," Reno grumbled. "Sit down, I'll be back." He walked into the bathroom and returned a moment later with an armful of hair care supplies. After a good thirty minutes of coming, styling, and gelling, he sat back with a weary sigh. "That will have to do," he commented. "Come on-we're going to be late."

"I'm not worried-you're always late, remember?" Elena answered, shrugging.

"But you're not," Reno answered with a smirk. "Now, where are your keys?"

"Forget it," Elena retorted. "You're not driving my car!"

"No, I'm not," he agreed. "Elena is driving Elena's car."

A scowl settled over Elena's features as she caught his meaning. "I really hate you," she commented, walking toward the door.

"I know," he agreed. "Come on-we've got two coworkers to fool."

**_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_**

**_Chapter Three Preview--_Flirting never hurt anyone (except Rufus): **_Elena and Reno have more difficulty adjusting to each others' roles than either one of them expected. Will they be able to pull this off after all? Probably not._

_Please review: )_


	3. Flirting never hurt anyone except Rufus

**A/N: **_Hello again, everyone! Thank you so much to all my **wonderful** reviewers--I really appreciate the feedback, and it helped me out a lot. A very special thanks to Xanthe and anyone else who tried to get Vincent in a box and mail him to me. I appreciate the thought. _

_Anyway, this chapter was inspired partly by a story told to me by an acquaintance, partly by a suggestion made by The Mad Fangirl (hi!), and partly from my own rambling imagination. It is a little longer than the prior two chapters, but I'm hoping that's a plus (is it?). As usual, if you could review and let me know what you think, what you'd like to see happen, etc., which parts you did or didn't, you'd make my personal world a little brighter. :) _

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the Turks, or Shin-Ra Inc., or anything else in the Final Fantasy VII universe, or Square-Enix, or even my own house...sigh But I do own a cat! Hah! _

**_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_**

**Chapter Three: _Flirting never hurt anyone (except Rufus)_**

Halfway between her apartment and the Shin-Ra building, Elena finally got tired of staring out the window with a look of horror. She settled for hanging onto the door handle with her eyes screwed shut, praying fervently that if she had to die, the end would be painless and quick.

If Reno noticed, he didn't comment–although she doubted that he had caught her horrified expression, since he was too busy keeping the car (barely) on the road and glancing down at the speedometer to see if he could coax the little vehicle to even more breakneck speeds. Elena tried to ignore the sick, dizzy feeling that seemed to wash over her every time they whipped around a curve or darted into another lane. _If I had five gil for every time my tires squealed today, I could quit work and retire early,_ she thought. _I am definitely driving home; I don't care how odd it looks..._

And suddenly, without warning, the car lurched to a screeching halt. The silence that followed was almost deafening. Hesitantly, Elena opened her eyes just slightly. "Are we dead?" she asked in a hushed tone.

Reno didn't answer her; he threw open the drivers' side door and climbed out of the car. "Who would've thought this little baby had such a kick to her?" he asked, laughing to himself.

Elena pushed down the faint nausea which plagued her and glared at him as she fought free of her seatbelt and emerged from the passenger side of the car. "You are NEVER, EVER driving this car again, you STUPID–"

"Is there some problem?"

Elena froze as she spotted Tseng standing only a carlength away from them with a somewhat surprised expression–probably from the horrific spectacle of "Elena's" driving. _Enough fighting,_ she decided immediately. _I'll just get Reno back by burning his address book later, or something._

"Hi, Tseng," she said brightly, giving him a flirty smile as she walked up and straightened his tie. "Don't you look nice this morning!"

Tseng's eyes widened, and he took a step backward, seeming awkward.

Elena didn't understand. "What's wrong?" she asked, stepping forward to close the distance between them. "Did I say something–"

Reno grabbed her arm and jerked her backwards. "Stop trying to freak out Tseng, _Reno_," he snapped, his voice harsh.

Elena glanced at him in surprise–and realized what he was getting at. _Oh, that's right...oops._ She pasted a smile on her face, trying to seem laid-back. "Just messin' with ya, yo," she said in her best Reno imitation.

Reno grimaced and turned away. Tseng, however, seemed to relax slightly. "Try to act more professional, Reno," he said in a disapproving tone, turning and walking away briskly.

Elena sighed in relief and glanced at Reno. "Sorry," she said, feeling embarrassed.

"Hey, it's not your fault you're not as cool as me," Reno said with a sigh, shrugging and flipping his hair back. "Just...take things easy, and try not to seem too girly, or try too hard to be cool. And whatever you do, don't say 'yo' ever again. Ever."

Her eyes narrowed. "I meant, sorry for flirting with Tseng and making you look bad," she grumbled. "Idiot."

"Oh, that." Reno shrugged. "I've been meaning to do something to freak him out anyway." He grinned and added brightly, "But now, I don't have to! Thanks, Laney."

"Don't call me Laney," she admonished him, reaching over and snatching her car keys from him. "Let's just get to work already."

They walked to their office suite and clocked in; they even remembered to go to the correct desks. Things passed rather uneventfully–until, in mid-morning, a young woman entered and announced that Rufus wanted to know if he could "borrow" Elena for a little while.

"'Borrow'?" Reno repeated in confusion. "Why does he want to 'borrow' Ele...erm...me, I mean?"

The young woman looked at Reno and rolled her eyes. "You always file his papers on Tuesday at this time, ma'am," she said, her voice holding an unspoken "duh".

"File his papers? Please," Reno replied skeptically. "Doesn't he have a secretary to do that?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Elena spoke up, seeming to appear out of nowhere. She grabbed Reno's arm and, without waiting for an answer, dragged him out of his office chair and into a corner.

"Look," she said in an undertone. "I go to Rufus' office because he likes to flirt...just a few little comments, no big deal. You don't have to do him any 'favors', so relax, would you? Just try to play along. He has a meeting this morning–you shouldn't be there more than half an hour, at most. Okay?"

"You want me to go flirt with Rufus for you," Reno replied, arching one brow in surprise.

"Well, yes, but–please, please do this for me?" Elena begged. "Like I said, it's no big deal. And, I get a nice bonus check on holidays because Rufus thinks I'm cute."

"You dirty little..." Reno's astonishment gave way to a grin. "I had you figured out wrong," he commented. "I thought you were a goody-two-shoes, but you're just as devious as the rest of us!"

"Will you shut up and go already?"

"I'll give it a shot...but you owe me part of that bonus," Reno answered, pulling his arm free and smirking. "See you guys later!" he called to Tseng and Rude, walking out of the office.

On the elevator, though, he began to have second thoughts. _Do I really want to flirt with a guy for half an hour?_ Reno wondered. _I might have nightmares about this for years...and, what if Elena and I can't figure out how to get switched back, and I'm stuck flirting with him all the time? Maybe it's better to let him down gently...yeah, that's it. Besides, it's no fair that she gets a bonus check and I don't. Who am I supposed to flirt with? Scarlett? Yeah, right._

When he walked into Rufus' office, Reno wasted no time in grabbing the nearest stack of papers and heading for a filing cabinet. "Good morning, sir," he called over his shoulder, glancing down at the first paper and pulling open a drawer.

"Are you in a hurry, or something?" Rufus asked from behind his desk, looking confused.

"Nope. Just doing the filing like I'm supposed to," Reno answered shortly.

Rufus silently wondered how anyone could have gotten the impression that he cared about whether or not his papers were filed promptly. "Is something wrong, babe?"

_He calls her babe._ Reno rolled his eyes as he pushed papers randomly into folders, pretending to know what he was doing. _Hey, I know! I should say, "I'm sorry, Rufus–it's just...well, I can't pretend to be attacted to you when that studly specimen of man, Reno, is walking around my office every day. He's just so hot!" Heh heh...would serve Elena right for trying to make me flirt with Ruf–_

Reno's thoughts froze mid-stream as a very abrupt and unexpected sensation immediately demanded all his attention. His eyes widened in shock and horror.

Instinctively he whirled around, grabbed Rufus' head with both hands, and smashed his skull into the side of the filing cabinet. "F- - -ING PERVERT!" he yelled angrily.

Rufus, caught off guard by Reno's reaction, crumpled to the floor like a paper doll and lay still and unmoving. Blood trickled down one of his temples.

Reno's jaw dropped as he realized what he'd done. "Oh, great," he breathed in horror. "Elena's gonna kill me!" Nearing a panic now, he dropped the papers in his arms and took off running as quickly as possible out of the room.

He bolted down the stairs and into his office, where Elena sat at his computer playing Solitare. The sight momentarily distracted Reno, who gave her a disgusted look. "Shouldn't you at least be pretending to do my paperwork?" he asked.

Elena stuck her tongue out. "Please," she answered scornfully. "Like I don't walk past your desk and see you playing Solitare every single day."

"Well..." Reno had no argument for that; he'd just hoped that maybe, since Elena was so work-oriented, she'd catch him up on some of the forms he was long overdue in completing.

"What did you come sprinting in here for, anyway?" Elena went on, moving a card on the computer screem. "You looked like you'd seen a ghost, or something."

"Oh, yeah!" Memory came flooding back. "Um...I think I might've just gotten you fired," Reno hedged, fidgeting with the hem of his jacket.

Elena froze. "What?"

"Well, he grabbed my butt!" Reno said defensively. "What was I supposed to do! Let him grope me while I pretended to be a paid professional?"

"Yes!" Elena snapped. "Well, no, I mean...swatted his hand away, or something...what did you DO to him?"

"Kind of...smashed his head on the filing cabinet," Reno answered sheepishly.

"Oh my GOD! Is he okay?" Elena demanded.

"I don't know," Reno replied. "He was unconscious when I left the office."

"WHAT!"

"I panicked!" Reno snapped. "Rufus has never grabbed my butt before, okay!" He tried to ignore the pounding headache he'd picked up somewhere between Rufus' office and his own, pacing the floor nervously. "When he wakes up–"

"He's going to find you, anxiously checking up on him," Elena interjected. "You get your bony butt back up to that office, right now! And when he wakes up, you make up some lie about how someone rushed into the office and attacked him. With luck, he won't remember what happened."

Reno felt his panic subside slightly. "You're...he..." A slow smile crept over his face. "That might actually work! But who would attack him?"

"Take your pick," Elena answered. "Just get up there already!"

"Right!" Reno sprinted away, feeling a surge of relief when he saw that Rufus was still lying motionless on the floor. Hastily, he dropped to the floor by Rufus' head and assumed an expression of concern and worry. His return came not a moment too soon–just then, Rufus' eyelids slowly lifted. "Sir!" Reno greeted him. "I'm so glad you're awake!"

"Wha...what happened?" Rufus asked, trying to sit up. "My head hurts..."

"Don't move!" Reno said quickly. "You might have a concussion. I mean, I couldn't believe she hit you that hard..."

"Who–? Who hit me?" Rufus' eyes were clouded with confusion.

"Scarlett, of course," Reno answered without a moment's hesitation. "Don't you remember? She came in here in a jealous fit, saying she was sick of you 'leading her on' and then turning around and flirting with me. And then she tried to hit me! But you pushed me out of the way, and she banged your head against the filing cabinet instead of mine. My hero," Reno added with what he hoped was a feminine sigh.

"She...did?" Rufus seemed incredulous. "Why would Scarlett do that?"

"Because she's a psychotic old hag?" Reno suggested brightly. "Look, don't worry, sir. Now that you're awake, I feel safe leaving you to go get a medic. Just lay still, okay?" Reno got to his feet and dusted off his slacks.

Rufus sighed. "I can't believe it...I'm going to have to talk with Scarlett about this," he commented to himself as Reno left the room.

Reno let out a long sigh of relief and walked quickly toward the infirmary, pleased that Rufus had apparently believed his outrageous story. _Elena won't get fired, and I got Scarlett back for that comment about my hair,_ he thought with satisfaction. _Reno, you are a genius._

At the same time, in the Turks' office suite, Elena leaned against the desk and exhaled. She had little doubt in Reno's ability to fabricate a believable lie–he certainly had enough practice. "Crisis averted," she murmured to herself.

"Was it?" Tseng's voice spoke up from the doorway.

Elena froze. _Did he see me talking to Reno? Oh, no..._ She turned toward the door, putting on her best lazy grin. "You need me for something?" she asked flippantly.

"As a matter of fact, I do," Tseng replied cooly. "Come with me to my office, would you? It's time we had a little chat."

**_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_**

**_Chapter Four Preview--_Secret crushes are for wimps: **_Elena hears some info that Tseng would never let slip if he knew who she really was...and Reno decides to act a little un-Elena-ish for the sake of revenge. But what's the worst that could happen, right? ;)_

_Please review: )_


	4. Secret crushes are for wimps!

**A/N: **_It's me again. :) As usual, I'd like to firstly thank my fabulous reviewers--you guys are almost as awesome as Sephiroth, and I really mean that. ;) (I can't say you're actually as awesome as Sephy until you almost succeed in destroying the world...sorry. ;P) Seriously, though, your reviews do help me a lot and make writing a heck of a lot easier. :D Also, my apologies for neglecting Rude in the last chapter. He does make a brief appearance in this one; however, _**Chapter Five**_ (which, yes, I already have written; I'll post it in a few days) has much more of Rude featured therein, so no worries. _

_And, of course, I'll mention this: If you could kindly review and let me know what you think, what you'd like to see happen, etc., which parts you did or didn't like, and so forth, I'll make Reno give you a hug. ;) And for **free**! Just think of that!_

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the Turks, or Shin-Ra Inc., or anything else in the Final Fantasy VII universe, or Square-Enix, or Japan, or Earth, or our solar system, and certainly not the Milky Way Galaxy...but can you imagine how rich I'd be if I did:D Right, on with the story._

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**Chapter Four:** **_Secret crushes are for wimps!_**

If Elena had wings, she would've jumped through the nearest window and flown to the other side of the world. If she had a good summon materia handy, she would've called for some unearthly creature to distract everyone while she made her get away. If she'd even had so much as a cell phone with her, she would've pretended that someone was trying to get in touch with her, and excused herself from the room. As it stood, however, she had very little choice but to drag her heels across the carpet, trying not to show the rising tide of panic that threatened to overwhelm her mind.

_He knows. He HAS to know! What else could he want? Why else would he ask to have a "chat" with me? _She tried to devise a plausible lie to explain her and Reno's odd behavior. _Say that we're trying to imitate each other's personalities? Pretend I don't know what he's talking about, and that he's just overreacting to nothing important? Oh, no, that would never work--Tseng's not stupid! We are going to be in so much trouble..._ Elena groaned inwardly and braced herself as she sank into a chair, avoiding making eye contact.

Tseng sat down behind his desk, giving Elena a long, steady look of disapproval before he finally started speaking. "I have no idea what that little exchange between you and Elena was about, or what you pressured her into going off and doing," he began. "And from what portion I did overhear, I'm not sure if I want to know. However, whatever mess you're dragging her along in is unimportant. I just wanted to remind you of the conversation we had a few days ago." His eyes were cold as he folded his hands and looked expectantly at Elena, waiting for some response.

Elena blinked. "Um...conversation?" she echoed blankly.

Tseng's eyes narrowed. "Do I need to warn you again, Reno?" Seeing the hesitant, vague half-smile on Elena's features, he sighed in exasperation and leaned forward. "I'll only repeat this once," he said darkly. "If any of your idiotic schemes or pranks result in Elena getting hurt or in trouble, I will see to it that you're repaid doubly for your meddling. Am I perfectly clear?"

Elena's brow furrowed in confusion. _Why is he telling me this?_ she wondered. _I'm a big girl–and I can take care of myself! _A sudden thought struck her from out of nowhere. _Unless..._

"You like me!" she exclaimed in delight.

Tseng's eyes shot open in surprise. "**_What?_**" he demanded.

"Um...you like Elena, I mean," she said, her tone more subdued but no less excited. "Don't you? You like Elena!"

Tseng's face immediately became a reserved mask. "I am not having this conversation with you again, Reno," he said cooly.

"You do! You do like Elena!" she said triumphantly, feeling butterflies of adrenaline flitting around in her stomach, sharing in her giddy delight. Never in a hundred years would she have guessed this on her own.

"Oh, shut up," Tseng said, sounding disgusted. "If I remember correctly, you didn't consider Elena so bad yourself."

Another shock. Elena's smile froze on her face, and she stared at Tseng with wide eyes. "What did you just say?" she gasped.

Tseng rolled his eyes. "Don't tell me you don't remember," he answered. "In fact, you said, 'I don't care who knows, either. Go tell Laney yourself, see if I care, yo.' Something to that effect."

Elena couldn't handle the shock. She leaned across Tseng's desk, grabbed his jacket, pulled him out of his chair, and gave him a firm shake. "WHY didn't you tell Elena?" she demanded. "Elena **needs** to know these things! Why do you ALWAYS have to keep your mouth shut all the frickin time! Why–"

"Excuse me." Rude walked in calmly, outwardly unruffled by the sight of his coworker strangling his boss. "If this is a bad time, I can wait outside."

Tseng took advantage of Elena's distraction to free himself from her grip, smoothing out his jacket calmly. "No, it's fine," he answered. "I was just having a discussion with Reno about what is and is not appropriate conduct with one's coworkers."

One of Rude's eyebrows went up. "You didn't..." he said, glancing at Elena.

"Um...didn't what?" she asked, trying to seem casual.

"As if I had to tell you." Rude answered. One couldn't be certain, but Elena guessed from his tone that Rude might've even rolled his eyes behind his sunglasses.

"Oh, that," Elena said with a forced chuckle, pretending that she knew what the heck he was referring to. "No, of course not."

"Good." Rude turned from her to Tseng. "I take it you have an assignment for us, since you wanted to see us, sir?" he asked.

"Of course." Tseng riffled through a desk drawer and pulled out a sheet of paper, handing it to Elena. "Just a run-of-the-mill assignment today. The President will be visiting the Three Fountains Plaza in downtown Midgar today to make a public affairs address. You two are to visit the Plaza and make sure that the security preparations in place are up to par. Also, have a look at a young man named Dain Forsythe working in the café there; he was recommended to us as a prospective candidate for our military program. I'm sure you two are more than capable of handling this."

_Boring..._ Elena thought to herself, scanning the paper. "We'll take care of it," she promised, hoping that she sounded more excited than she felt.

"Excellent. Good luck," Tseng replied.

Recognizing an informal dismissal when they heard it, Elena and Rude turned and began to walk out of the office suite. Just before they left, Reno entered, looking immensely self-satisfied–which she took to mean that all had ended well. "Hey," Reno said, looking from her to Rude in surprise. "Where are you guys off to?"

"Oh, nothing important," she answered loftily. "Just taking care of company business. I guess you're stuck here for the day...which reminds me, my desk needs dusting. Do you think you could take care of that?" Elena grinned wickedly at him as she walked past, feeling immensely pleased that she'd managed to one-up him.

Reno glared at Elena as she and Rude left. "Funny," he commented under his breath. "Fine, Laney, if that's the game you want to play..." A slow, wicked smile crept over his features, and he turned on his heels, approaching Tseng's desk with the most feminine walk he could muster.

Tseng looked up as Reno sauntered in. "Is there something I can do for you, Elena?" he asked.

Reno batted his eyelashes as he perched on the corner of Tseng's desk. "I just wanted to tell you something," he answered with a warm smile.

"Okay..." Tseng sounded uncertain.

"I want you know that I have a huge crush on you," he answered brightly. "I mean, a monster crush. But I'm a serious loser, so instead of just saying, 'Hey, Tseng, are you busy after work?', I go whining about it to Reno and Rude instead. It gets on their nerves, too...but that's beside the point. I'm telling you now, aren't I? Because secret crushes are for wimps! You know what I mean, don't you, babe?"

Tseng seemed to stunned to answer.

"By the way," Reno went on, twirling one of Elena's short blonde locks around his fingers. "If you were smart enough to hack into my computer, like Reno did, you could read all these lame poems I wrote about us in my diary. I might print out a couple for you. They're very pathetic."

"Elena–you're joking, right?" Tseng had a wary expression on his face, as though he expected to be bitten on the nose at any second.

"Nope." Reno hopped down to the floor, started toward the door, then paused and turned around. "One other thing, though," he added. "Don't think that just because I've got the hots for you means that you're sexier than Reno. I just know that he'd never give me the time of day, because he's far too awesome in every way for some little dweeb like me."

Tseng arched one eyebrow. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Good." Reno grinned and walked out, humming to himself under his breath.

**_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_**

**_Chapter Five Preview_-but you can't fool all the Turks, all the time: **_Elena tries her best to fool Rude into thinking she's Reno on a mission...yeah, like that's going to happen, especially after she learns about the wicked prank Reno pullled on her with Tseng. Will Rude figure out that she's not really Reno? And how will he respond?_

_Please review: )_


	5. but you can't fool all the Turks

**A/N: **_Hello, all! Once again, thank you to my wonderful reviewers, who help my creative process tremendously. I hope you all enjoyed your hug from Reno.Here's Chapter Five--sorry that it's taken as long as it has to get this posted, especially since I've had it written since last week, but I've been revising so that it will (hopefully) be more entertaining._

_As I promised, Rude is featured in this chapter. Anywho, be forewarned--this chapter is longer than the others. I don't think it's quite as funny as some of the previous chapters, either, although **Chapter Six** is shaping up to be quite entertaining. Who knows? Maybe you guys will think differently and love this chapter to death. I hope so:)_

_Also, my sister (who is a huge Reno fangirl) and my pet Reno, given so generously to me by bloodchaos, both inform me that Elena's revenge on Reno is **sick and wrong, **and also could never happen in a million years because Reno is far too cool for that sort of thing. :9 But that's okay! It plays right into the plot of the next chapter. _

_Anyway, as usual, I'd like to mention: I'd love it if you would kindly review and let me know what you think, what you'd like to see happen, which parts you did or didn't like, and so forth. If you do, my pet Reno will give you a superfuzzy hug, and I'll even throw in a complimentary box of imaginary strawberry Pocky. ;) _

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the Turks, or Shin-Ra Inc., or anything else in the Final Fantasy VII universe. Which is probably just as well, since I'd be sorely tempted to use my powers for evil if I did. ;)_

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**Chapter Five:** **_...but you can't fool all the Turks, all the time_**

Elena hadn't thought routine security checks could get any more boring...but, of course, that was before Rude had been her partner. At least Tseng and Reno talked every now and then–or more than "every now and then," in Reno's case. _But wait..._ Elena thought suddenly. _Rude usually talks more than this when he's around Reno, doesn't he? What if he knows something's up?_

_Okay, don't panic,_ she told herself sternly. _Maybe I just need to start a conversation instead of waiting for him to._

"So, Rude," she spoke up, giving him an ingratiating smile. "What're your plans for this weekend? Anything crazy planned?"

Rude glanced over at her. "I'm having a dental procedure done," he answered flatly.

_Oops._ Elena mentally kicked herself and tried a new approach. "Oh...well...do you have any plans for this evening, then?"

"What, are you going to ask me out?" Rude asked, giving her an unreadable look over the rims of his sunglasses.

"Heh...heh...no, of course not," she answered awkwardly, kicking herself again. Rude turned away from her and began checking the nearest set of infrared sensors which were posted around the plaza, alerting them to anyone hiding in or on the buildings around them.

_Ugh, I'm horrible at this! _Elena complained silently. _What do guys talk about, anyway? And more specifically, what in the world would Rude want to talk about?_

A flash of inspiration suddenly hit her. "Are those a new pair of sunglasses?" she asked.

It was like she'd flipped the conversation switch in Rude's brain to 'on'. "They just arrived yesterday," he replied, sounding somewhat more friendly. "Titanium rims able to withstand direct pressure, up to 50 psi. Polarized shatterproof lenses..."

As he prattled on, Elena inwardly relaxed. _Note to self: When all else fails, ask Rude about his sunglasses. I can remember that,_ she thought. _And while he's prattling on, I can check this...this..._ Her thoughts came to a screeching halt mid-stream as her sharp gaze fell on a very unwelcome object. "Rude," she croaked, her mouth dry.

Rude apparently hadn't heard her; he continued to check the sensors as he spoke. "...and 100 broad-spectrum UV protection," he was saying.

Elena licked her lips and tried again. "R-rude..." she said, her voice cracking.

He glanced up. "What?"

She pointed with a shaky hand. "That," she answered hoarsely. "That thing..."

Rude glanced down at the large black arachnid sitting just beyond arm's reach, then back at Elena. "Oh, the spider?" he asked, sounding unimpressed.

"Just shut up and kill it!" Elena squeaked, ducking behind Rude so that he was between her and the offending spider.

Rude glanced over his shoulder at Elena, who was cowering and trembling like a leaf. "What did the spider ever do to you?" he asked, a faint smile tugging at his lips.

"If you don't kill the spider, I will kill you," Elena snapped back

"Have it your way," Rude answered with a shrug. He brushed the spider into one of his palms, then walked away with the spindly-legged arachnid cupped carefully in his hands. A moment later he returned empty-handed, looking decidedly amused.

"It's not funny," Elena said warningly.

"Of course not," Rude agreed good-naturedly. "But since we're about done here, want to get some lunch while we have a look at what's-his-name?"

_Lunch...lunch means I'll just have to worry about eating, not about swaggering around or grinning like an idiot all the time or doing any of the other stupid things Reno does._ "Lunch sounds great," Elena answered sincerely. "Let's get out of here."

In retrospect, as they went to the café and sat down near a window, Elena mused that she might've blown her cover just a little with the whole kill-the-spider thing. A little, mind you. But, all the same, Rude didn't seem to think anything was out of the ordinary–at least, he didn't show outwardly that he suspected anything. Then again, Rude didn't show much of anything outwardly, which made things a bit more complicated...but in Elena's opinion, no news was good news.

Elena's distracted thoughts were interrupted when a pretty brunette girl–with enough perkiness for three cheerleaders, she noticed–bounced up to their table and gave them a brilliant smile. "Hi," she chirped at them. "I won't be your server, but I'm going to go ahead and take your orders, okay?"

"That's fine," Elena answered, shrugging. "By the way, is there a guy named Dain Forsythe here?"

"He's already left," the girl answered, flipping her brown hair over her shoulder. "He said he wasn't feeling too well. Is there anything I can do for you?" she added, giving the two Turks a playful wink.

"No thanks," Elena replied, feeling a bit annoyed that they'd have to make a second trip, or look up the young man at his home. She placed her order briskly and slumped in her chair, hoping that service was prompt here; the sooner she got back to headquarters to keep an eye on Reno, the better.

Rude gave his order to the waitress next. In the lull that followed after the brunette's departure, he watched Elena with a measuring gaze–although she was too busy gazing out the window to notice. "Are you feeling okay?" he asked at last, frowning slightly.

Elena's head shot up. "What?" she asked, eyes slightly wider than normal. _Did I give myself away somehow? _

"You're acting a little odd," Rude explained.

"Oh...uh..." _Think fast, Elena! Why would Reno stare off into space like that? ...besides the fact that he's more stupid than anyone wants to admit? _

"Um...just checking out that girl, yo," she said after an awkward pause, nodding out the window. "The one with the brown miniskirt. She's pretty hot, huh?"

Rude's brows went up. "The one with the auburn hair?"

"Yeah, that one," Elena agreed, trying to imitate Reno's cocky grin. "Pretty foxy, yo."

"If you say so," Rude answered, his tone carefully neutral.

Thankfully, their waitress came up with their meals at that moment, taking care of the need for any further conversation. "Enjoy your lunch, gentlemen," she suggested, smiling sweetly. "And if you need anything at all, please just call for me."

"Yeah, thanks," Elena answered. Before Rude could ask her anything else, she immediately started cramming food into her mouth, effectively halting the conversation. The pair ate their lunch silently, then began heading back toward headquarters.

"You're not Reno," Rude commented out of nowhere, his voice surprisingly calm.

Elena jumped involuntarily. "W-why would you say that?" she asked nervously.

"Two things gave you away," Rude answered, turning to face her as he reached into his pocket. "Firstly, you didn't flirt with either of the girls who came to our table. At all."

Elena mentally kicked herself. _Of course, Reno would've flirted with the waitresses. I'm so stupid! _"And what's your other so-called evidence?" she asked, trying to sound as if the whole idea were ridiculous. "The afraid-of-spiders thing?"

"No–Reno's always been afraid of spiders," Rude replied. He pulled a pair of leather gloves out of his pocket as he continued speaking. "But that girl you pointed out in the plaza? Auburn hair, brown miniskirt?"

"Yeah..." Elena agreed uncertainly.

"She's Reno's first cousin." Rude pulled on his gloves and gave her a cold look.

_Ouch. Double stupid. Then again, Rude is, like, Reno's best friend...if there's anyone I couldn't fool, it would be him,_ Elena reminded herself. "Okay, you caught me," she said, smiling awkwardly. "I guess I'm just no good at ly–aaaugh!" she grunted involuntarily as Rude suddenly wrapped one hand around her throat.

"Where's Reno?" Rude demanded.

Elena struggled to speak. "Shin-Ra...building," she gasped.

"Really?" Rude replied, sounding unconvinced. "I didn't notice him."

"I swear!" she managed to wheeze, trying vainly to loosen his viselike grip on her throat. "Looks...like 'lena!"

"If Reno looks like Elena, then..." Rude paused suddenly. "Elena?" he asked.

"It's me!" she croaked, trying to sound reassuring.

Rude's grip loosened just slightly, but it was enough for her to draw a much-needed deep breath. "Prove it," he challenged her.

"I paid you 25 gil to proofread my first official Turk report," Elena answered promptly.

This was apparently good enough for Rude, who let go of Elena's neck and began taking off his gloves as if nothing had happened. "Sorry about that," he answered, sounding only slightly regretful.

"I ought to put sugar in your gas tank," Elena grumbled, rubbing her sore throat. "Geez, Rude. Ever consider getting anger management classes?"

"You would've wanted me to do the same for you," he replied, unfazed by her comment. "So how did this happen?"

"I don't know," Elena replied. "It just happened this morning, and we're going to try to figure it out as soon as we get off work–but please, please, please don't tell Tseng, okay?"

"Why not?" Rude asked.

"Because, I haven't been here that long, and this is the last thing I need on my record with Shin-Ra," Elena retorted. "And who knows what the company would do–let Hojo try to get us back to normal? I don't think so! Besides, Reno doesn't want anyone to know, either–he was the one who suggested we try to fool you guys. Please promise you won't tell anyone?"

"I'll keep it a secret," Rude agreed. "But only for three days...and only because I owe Reno a favor. If you two aren't back to normal by then, I'm letting Tseng know."

"Fair enough," Elena answered, nodding. "Three days should be more than enough." _I think,_ she added silently.

"So." Rude started walking again as if nothing had happened. "I hope he didn't run off and look at himself naked."

"He tried to," Elena answered, rolling her eyes. "I wouldn't let him. I shudder to think what he's done now that no one's there to keep tabs on him, though. I hope he didn't hit Rufus again." She bit her lip and unconsciously began speeding up her pace.

"Again?" Rude shook his head. "Never mind. I don't want to know."

Elena glanced at Rude questioningly. "You know," she commented, "Considering that Reno and I switched bodies with no real explanation or evident reason, you and he are both certainly taking this whole thing in stride. Am I the only one who's freaked out over this?"

Rude gave her a somewhat surprised look. "What? Can't you see I'm barely holding back panic?" he asked.

"Um..." Elena hesitated and gave Rude a long look, trying to figure out he was seriously bewildered or making a joke. She realized for the first time that perhaps Rude didn't even realize how inscrutiable many of his actions and emotions were to the casual bystander–and some part of her mind wouldn't let her say something that might burst his bubble.

"But you're holding back your panic," Elena replied after a moment of careful thought. "I couldn't manage to do that. I was in a blind terror for, like, the first twenty minutes after I realized what happened."

"Oh." Rude shrugged and kept walking.

Elena quickened her pace, trying to keep up with her taller co-worker's stride. "Hey, dude," she called, remembering that she was supposed to be Reno for the time being. "Slow down, would ya? Not all of us are as tall as you, yo."

Rude glanced over his shoulder at her. "Please, stop saying 'yo', he told her. "And you're not cool, so stop trying so hard to be that way."

Elena stopped. "Hey!" she said in offense. "Reno's not the only hip person around here! I'm cool, too!"

"Of course you are. In your own, _special_ way." Rude's tone held a hint of condesension. He might've even been making fun of her.

"Stop it! I AM cool!" Elena shouted, stomping one foot in anger.

"Mmm-hmm." Then came the sound of a faint, but definite, snicker.

"RUDE!" Elena shouted. "Get right back here and say that I'm cool!"

The bald Turk didn't even glance back at her. She thought she could hear him laughing again.

Elena glared at Rude as he walked off. "Some days, I hate my job..." she commented. A skinny young woman with short, sleek black hair stopped and stared at her. "What?" Elena asked challengingly.

The black-haired girl folded her arms. "Well, if it isn't Reno," she said, her voice sharp. "I thought you were going to call me!"

_Great. Another wonderful chapter of this wonderful day._ Elena bit her lip–and suddenly, thankfully, her phone rang. "Hang on for just a sec," she instructed the girl as she pulled a sleek black phone out of her pocket.

"Reno, this is Tseng," the head Turk's voice came over the phone. "Did you put something in Elena's coffee?"

"Um...not today," Elena replied, glancing at the impatiently waiting dark-haired woman. "Why? What did Elena do?" she added, with a hint of apprehension in her voice.

"She came in here saying she wanted me to know that she has a 'monster crush' on me," Tseng replied. "And something about 'pathetic' poetry she'd written about me in her diary...very odd. I was wondering if you knew anything about it."

Elena ground her teeth together. "You always think I have something to do with it," she retorted. "Maybe she's just crazy, yo."

"Perhaps," Tseng answered noncommittally. "I'm sorry for interrupting you." The line went dead abruptly.

"I'm gonna kill you, Reno," Elena murmured as she flipped her phone shut and put it away.

"What?" the black-haired girl asked in confusion.

Elena paused as she realized she still had company–and then, with the brilliance of a thousand-watt lightbulb, a horribly devious idea hit her. _No, I shouldn't,_ she told herself. _Just because Reno's an idiot is no reason to stoop to his level..._

_But he told Tseng you like him!_ another part of her mind argued. _And he told him about the poems! The poems! From your diary!_

She came to an abrupt decision, and turned to face the dark-haired young woman. "Hi," she said, pasting on a smile. "What's your name again?"

The black-haired girl rolled her eyes. "Keiko, you jerk," she snapped back. "And your excuse for not calling me at all is...?"

"Well, Keiko..." Elena sighed and ran one hand over her hair. "This is kind of tough to say, but...you know I have a dangerous job, right?"

Keiko looked wary. "Yeah..." she answered slowly.

"There was an accident a couple of weeks ago," Elena lied, looking regretful. "A bad, bad accident. A horrible accident. If you know what I mean?" She arched her brows and looked pained, as if it were too horrible to even mention.

"Um...no." Keiko folded her arms.

Elena sighed in exasperation. "Do I have to spell it out for you?" she demanded. "Look–" Abrubtly Elena grabbed the girl's arm and dragged her closer, leaning down to whisper a hasty, abridged explanation in her ear. "And that's why I haven't been seeing anyone lately."

Keiko's eyes were wide in shock. "It's completely gone?" she breathed, sounding horrified.

"Totally cut off," Elena agreed, her expression deadpan.

"My God..." Keiko shook her head. "I'm so sorry."

"It's alright." Elena waved one hand. "Not your fault. But could you do me a favor and spread the word? I don't want to have to call everyone I know...it's kind of embarrassing."

Keiko was all sympathy. "I'm sure," she agreed. "I'll take care of it, don't worry. And hey–I'm really sorry!"

"Thanks," Elena agreed. "See ya around."

She kept her solemn expression until Keiko had disappeared down the street, then let a wicked smile sneak across her face. _If Reno has a date any time at all in the next six months, it won't be because of me,_ she thought with smug satisfaction. _That'll teach him to spill all my secrets to Tseng._ She sauntered off in the direction Rude had gone, humming to herself.

**_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_**

**_Chapter Six Preview_-Your body, my choice: **_You've probably already guessed what Reno's reaction will be when he finds out what Elena just did. The real question now is--how will he retaliate? One thing's for sure--it won't be pretty. Funny, probably, but not pretty. :9_

_Please review: )_


	6. Your body, my choice

**A/N: **_Hello again, everyone! My apologies for the delay in updating. Several medical problems among multiple members of my family, accompanied by the purchase of my very own beautiful copy of FF7: Dirge of Cerberus, have kept me pretty distracted. Here's hoping that you guys will still enjoy this chapter! _

_If you would take the time to review--even if it's just a simple "Good job" or "Needs work", or something to that effect--I would be very appreciative. A big thank you! to everyone who reviewed my last chapter. You're wonderful! hugs_

_**Disclaimer**: I own a new copy of Dirge of Cerberus! But that doesn't mean I own anything in the FF7 universe. Unfortunately. ;)_

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**Chapter Six:** **_Your body, my choice_**

As soon as Elena entered the Turks' office suite, she began frantically scanning the room, looking for any signs of the destruction Reno might've wrought in her absence-besides spilling some of her most private secrets to Tseng, of course. The office looked surprisingly normal at first glance, but that didn't necessarily mean things were normal. And, just as she'd feared, Reno was nowhere in sight.

"Finally," Tseng said as he seemed to appear out of nowhere, giving her a disapproving glance. "Rude was here five minutes ago. What kept you?"

Elena was in no mood to put up with Tseng's aloof superiority. "Where's R...erm...Elena, I mean?" she asked, barely remembering to use the right name.

"Elena left an hour ago," Tseng replied. "Very suddenly, in fact. She said something about a severe stomachache."

A horrific thought struck Elena. _What if something happens to one of us while we're switched?_ she wondered. _Will I be stuck as Reno forever? Or would I return to my own body, only to die as soon as I'm back where I belong? Either way, I don't want to find out!_

"Tseng, I'm going to go check on her," Elena announced. "If she's okay, I'll be back, but-"

"Hold it." Tseng's eyes narrowed. "We're already one person short with Elena gone-what makes you think I'm going to just let you walk out of here without any explanation?"

Elena groaned inwardly. _Why does he have to make today the day that he tries to earn Vigilant Boss of the Year? _Ordinarily she found it quite charming when Tseng was being authoritative, but this was not one of those times. Desperately she looked to Rude for help. He leaned against he wall, took a sip of coffee, and smirked at her. _So much for expecting him to be useful,_ Elena thought dryly.

"Look, I just really need to check on Elena," she pleaded. "Trust me, okay? It's important."

Tseng was ummoved. "I'm going to need a better reason than that."

Elena was ready to turn around and leave without permission, despite what it might do to both her career and Reno's-but suddenly, a deviously clever thought struck her. _I can't_, she told herself. _But-it might be the only way to get Tseng to let me leave...oh, why not? His opinion of both me and Reno has probably already been shot to pieces today. I might as well finish it off._

"I guess I'm going to have to let you know," she said, flipping her hair back with a dramatic gesture. "We were going to keep it a secret, but...oh well. Elena's pregnant with my baby."

For half a second, Tseng's reserved demeanor broke and an expression of pure surprise surfaced. Behind Tseng, Rude choked on his coffee and started coughing.

Elena tried not to think of what she'd just done to her own reputation and continued. "Yeah, that's kinda what I did, too," she answered nonchalantly. "Anyway, you see why I've gotta check on her, make sure it's just something she ate and nothing's wrong with the baby. Okay?"

Tseng's impassive expression returned. "Well...given the circumstances..." he began reluctantly. "I suppose I could allow you to leave-but only for an hour. And if she seems alright, you are to report back immediately."

"Yeah, sure," Elena agreed. She turned her gaze to Rude. Now that he was no longer in danger of death by coffee, the bald Turk was grinning and even looked like he might start laughing. "See ya," she called to Rude, since she figured Reno would bother saying goodbye to his friend.

"Say hi to the baby for me," Rude answered.

Elena waited until her back was turned before she narrowed her eyes. _As soon as I'm back in my body,_ she promised herself, _I'm going to kill him. _

The most logical place to look for Reno, Elena decided as she made her way through the city, was her apartment. After all, everyone in Shin-Ra knew how much Reno detested going to the doctor, and he wasn't likely to have a key to his place. _Which is just as well,_ she thought. _As messy as he is, he could crawl into the midst of his stuff and die, and we wouldn't find his body for a week!_

Her hunch proved to be correct; as soon as she entered her apartment, the first thing she saw was Reno sprawled on the couch. Her jacket and shoes had been apparently tossed aside as soon as he'd entered, but he still wore the rest of her uniform. All the way home, she'd suspected that he was faking to get out of work, but now...Elena had to admit that Reno really did look sick; his face (well, technically, her face) was pale and he had both arms wrapped around his stomach.

"Hey," she said as she walked in, sitting on the end of the couch and looking at him with a worried expression. "They told me you're feeling a little under the weather..."

Reno's eyes slowly opened, and he glanced at Elena listlessly. "Hey...I'm really glad to see you," he said weakly. "I think I'm dying...seriously..."

Elena's brows went up in concern. "Okay, just relax...what exactly is going on?" she asked. "Something about your stomach, right? Have you thrown up, or anything?"

"No," he answered, sighing. "I don't feel sick...it's just pain. The lower part of my stomach is seriously killing me. It feels like it's...knotting up, or something. And I feel really exhausted."

"Just pain..." Elena's eyes lit up suddenly. "Oh, no!" she exclaimed, sounding more amused than regretful. "I just realized that this is the third week of the month."

Reno rolled his eyes. "So?" he demanded.

"So," Elena replied, "You're having menstrual cramps."

His brows went up, and he sat halfway up on the couch. "I'm what?" he demanded. "Aw, man...are these the cramps you girls are always whining about?"

"Absolutely." Elena folded her arms and looked at him smugly. "And I have to put up with them all the time. So I'll go get your shoes, and we can go back to work-"

"Nooo!" Reno grabbed her arm and looked at her pleadingly. "Please, Laney?" he begged. "These things are horrible! And I swear, I'll never make fun of you having cramps again, if you'll just help me out! Please, please, pretty please?"

Elena smirked. "Fine, since you're not tough enough to handle a few little cramps," she answered. "Lay there, I'll get you something to ease them off." She disappeared into the kitchen and returned a moment later with two small blue pills and a glass of ice water. "Take these," she told him. "They always help me. And then I want you to get a heating pad and lay it on your stomach. You'll feel better in a few hours-and if you need more medicine, it's on the table."

"I am so glad I'm not a woman," Reno mumbled as he took the medicine from her.

"You might have to be a woman, permanently, if we don't get this situation fixed," Elena responded. "Which is why I'm going to the library as soon as I get off work. You should be able to take care of yourself tonight, right?"

"You act like I've never lived on my own," Reno answered. "Yeah, I'll be fine. Meet me here, at your place, tomorrow morning before work."

"I'll be here." Elena stood up and started to leave, then paused. "Oh, Reno? Two other things. One, Rude knows that we're in different bodies. And two, I told Tseng that I'm having your baby."

Reno shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah, I figured you wouldn't be able to fool Rude, anywa-wait! Did you just say that Tseng thinks we're pregnant?"

"Um, yeah." Elena glanced out the window to avoid his gaze. "It was the only way to get him to let me leave work!" she commented defensively.

"Oh, it's okay, Laney." Reno leaned back on the couch and picked up the TV remote, a faint smile on his face. "I know you've always wanted to have my baby anyway."

Elena's eyes widened. "I do not, you stupid-"

"Now, now-I said it's okay. I understand," Reno broke in calmly. "We'll just keep this to ourselves. Close the door behind you."

Elena's eyes narrowed. "I hate you."

"But you still want my baby," Reno answered, shaking his head in mild disapproval.

Fuming, Elena slammed the door behind her.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

For reasons that were not entirely clear to Elena at first, Reno chose not to open the door for her the next morning. After ten minutes of knocking on her apartment door and saying, "Come on, Reno-I know you're in there!", she finally gave in and used her spare key.

To her surprise, no one was home, although there were dirty dishes from breakfast on the table and the TV was still on. Elena wondered where her coworker could've gone as she wandered through the deserted apartment. _Maybe he was worried about being late and left early...yeah, right,_ she thought dryly.

On a spur-of-the-moment thought, she opened her closet and began checking to see if Reno had donned a clean uniform before leaving.

"I decided to go with casual dress today," she heard Reno say from behind her.

Elena sighed in exasperation. "Reno, we've told you a thousand times," she said reprimandingly as she turned around. "There is no casual dress day at Shin...Ra..." Her voice trailed off as she took in his shocking appearance-spiked blonde hair with green highlights, far too much eyeliner and mascara, berry red lipstick, barely-there tank top, leather miniskirt, fishnet hose, strappy high-heeled sandals. "What did you DO to me!" she breathed in horror.

"I checked my e-mail last night from your computer," Reno commented, fiddling with a lacy strap on the skimpy tank top. "Guess what was in my inbox? Two hundred and thirty-six e-mails from everyone I've ever met, telling me they're so sorry about my 'accident'!" His eyes narrowed. "You went too far this time, Laney."

Elena folded her arms. "Oh, really? And what about your little talk with Tseng yesterday? He told me what you did! Don't act like I'm the one who started it!"

Reno rolled his eyes. "Don't act like what you did wasn't a thousand times worse." He stuck his tongue out at Elena defiantly.

Her eyes widened again. "You got my **tongue **pierced?"

"Ah, that's nothing," Reno answered dismissively. "You ought to see the tattoo."

Elena barely managed to keep herself from screaming. "You are going in the bathroom and washing all that makeup off, Reno!" she ordered. "And then you're going to put on a uniform and we are going to work. End of story. Got it?"

"Nope." Reno folded his arms. "This body isn't yours to order around anymore, Laney. You're just going to have to deal with it!" He turned and started to leave, then glanced over his shoulder. "Don't worry, I probably will show up at work today, though...eventually."

Elena was beside herself with fury. "Don't think I won't get you back, Reno!" she yelled.

"Ooh, I'm scared," Reno answered as he walked out.

_You should be scared,_ Elena thought darkly. _If you think you're the only one who knows how to get revenge, you've got another thing coming_...

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Just after 11:00am that morning, Reno strutted into the Turks' office suite, ignoring the shocked stares everyone he passed gave him. "Hey, Tseng," he said as he entered the head Turk's office. "Sorry I'm late...I had better things to do, and stuff. My manicure appointment just could not be broken." He held up one hand, displaying his overly long, sparkly purple nails. "What do you think?"

Tseng glanced up and sighed wearily. "Not you, too," he said, rubbing his forehead as if trying to ease a headache.

"What, you don't think this is better than my old outfit? These guys on the bus did, I can tell you that much..." Reno paused as Tseng's comment sank in. "Wait-what do you mean, 'not you, too'?"

The Wutaiian Turk glanced up with a frown. "Elena, didn't you see-" he began.

"Not Elena," Reno interjected. "The Naughty Hottie. That's my stripper name."

Tseng grimaced slightly, but continued. "I'm assuming you haven't seen Reno this morning? He's dressed quite...unusually, just like you. I hope this is all because there's some memo I didn't get, and that you two aren't quite this stupid..."

"No, I'm really quite a moron," Reno answered cheerfully as he walked over to his old desk-and froze. From where he stood, it looked like a skinny redheaded woman in a modest silk blouse and knee-length skirt was working at his computer terminal...but of course, he knew that he wasn't that lucky.

"Hi," Elena called to Reno, glancing over her shoulder and confirming his suspicion that she'd added makeup to her attack, as well as a padded bra. "What do you think of my hair? The people at the salon were so nice to fit me in without an appointment-but I think that curls are much better, don't you? They make me feel so much prettier." She gave him a brilliant smile before turning to look back at her terminal.

"You're a sick, twisted freak," Reno replied, shutting his eyes and trying to block the image of himself in drag from embedding in his long-term memory.

"Elena-" Tseng called from his office.

"NOT Elena!" Reno interrupted. "The Naughty Hottie! Say it!"

They heard Tseng sigh in exasperation. "I am not calling you that."

"I think that's sweet!" Elena exclaimed flirtatiously. "I think you're sweet, actually, Tseng!"

Reno smirked at her. "You can have Tseng," he said primly. "I'm going on a date with Heidegger tonight. He thinks I have spunk."

Elena stood up and glared at Reno, folding her arms. "Well then, I'm just going to have to go date Scarlet, won't I?" she answered. "You know, she's been hitting on me forever."

"Go ahead," Reno replied. "You're going to need all the help you can get in your career."

"Why would I..." Elena began-then her expression went from puzzled to angry. "Don't you DARE!" she yelled.

But Reno had already hurried into Tseng's office again. "You're a loser, and I quit!" he announced triumphantly.

"Then I quit, too," Elena answered just as promptly, walking into Tseng's office behind Reno.

"But I've been sabotaging the computer system," Reno countered.

"And I've embezzled thousands of gil from the company," Elena snapped back.

"Well, I've always supported AVALANCHE," Reno retorted.

"And I'm not really sexy at all, even though I've said I am!" Elena announced.

Reno's eyes narrowed. "_Take that back,_" he said in a low, dangerous voice.

Elena started to answer with another taunt, then noticed that Tseng's face was still set in a pale, somewhat alarmed expression. "What?" she asked, surprised that he hadn't responded.

"I'm sure Tseng is as shocked as I am," Heidegger's booming voice came from the doorway, making both Elena and Reno turn in shock. "Fortunately, since you both bothered to confess to your crimes in public, we won't have any trouble gathering evidence against you. Do you have anything to say for yourselves?"

"Heh..." Reno smiled weakly. "Just kidding?"

"Hmph." Heidegger gave them a sudden, cruel smile. "Then you are under arrest. Guards!"

Elena winced involuntarily as two soldiers grabbed her by the arms. "Nice going, Naughty Hottie," she snarled.

Reno glared over at her. "Oh, shut up."

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

**_Chapter Seven Preview--_It's just mid-level treason: **_Reno and Elena learn first hand about Shin-Ra's justice system as they try to plot a course of action and prove their innocence. Will Tseng and Rude help them out? And how will they get back in their own bodies now?_

_Please review: )_


	7. It's only midlevel treason!

**A/N: **_Hi, everyone! Here's another chapter, hopefully as good as the last. I'm sorry my updates aren't as frequent anymore--school and stuff like that. grimace I don't know if this chapter is as funny as the last--it's a bit more serious in tone overall, I know that--but I had to get this done before more humorous happenings could occur. By the by, if any of you have some spare time, you should check out my livejournal page; you can find it on my profile, under "homepage"._

_Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! Your input is highly valued. If you enjoyed--or even if you didn't enjoy--this chapter, please review and let me know. Besides, no reviews makes my kitty sad. _

_**Disclaimer**: If Final Fantasy VII belonged to me, I'd make a FF7 theme park and sell you all tickets. But it does not, so you'll have to settle for Disney World. :P_

**- - - - - - - - - -**

**Chapter Seven:** **_It's only mid-level treason!_**

Tseng watched wordlessly as the identical, blue-clad guards who had entered with Heidegger now forcibly escorted his two employees out the door and down the hall. Heidegger had made some pointless remark about how clever he was, catching Reno and Elena in ther "confessions", and then trudged out after the guards, giving that characteristic (and annoying) horse laugh of his the whole way.

_I should've said something,_ the head Turk thought. _Even if I only made things worse, it still would've been better than watching them get carried off..._

Tseng glanced up and saw Rude standing just outside his door, face impassive. Rude noticed Tseng's glance and gave a strange half-smile. "Complete idiots," he remarked, turning and walking toward the door.

The Wutaiian Turk was surprised. Although Rude wasn't openly emotional by nature, Tseng still would've expected something more than an offhanded insult, especially given the fact that one of the "treasoners" was Rude's best friend. _I suppose he's just reminding himself that his first loyalty is to the company. I should do the same, _Tseng told himself.

For the next hour, Tseng tried to attend to affairs as usual, all the while reminding himself that Reno and Elena had brought their plight on themselves. At last, though, his restlessness got the better of him, and he stood up. _I'll just go see what Rude's doing,_ he rationalized. _I'm not ignoring my work, I'm just...supervising. Which is what I'm required to do anyway._

To his surprise, however, Rude was not anywhere in their offices. It took some hunting before Tseng finally located the bald Turk, in an otherwise deserted supply room, working calmly at a stainless steel table littered with wires in all colors, digital timers, and putty that was most likely C4 or some equivalent. Tseng picked up the nearest object Rude was preparing-a small, but complete, explosive device. "Who told you to make these?" Tseng asked.

Rude smiled slightly. "No one," he replied. "I thought we might need them when we break Reno and Elena out of prison-if we're unable to get a keycard to access wherever they're being held." He snipped a short length of yellow wire and bent over the incomplete bomb in front of him. "I'm kind of hoping we get to blow something up. It makes things more interesting."

"I'm sorry-'when we break Reno and Elena out of prison'?" Tseng repeated. "What exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"Don't worry, this room isn't monitored. I checked," Rude answered. Then the bald Turk glanced up and caught his supervisor's expression. "You weren't actually considering leaving them in jail for Heidegger to handle..." Rude began in disapproval.

Tseng was silent.

"You were." Rude sat up straighter and gave Tseng an icy look.

Tseng sighed. "Our first loyalty is to the company, not to each other, if you'll recall. And they did bring it on themselves-"

"Not entirely," Rude interrupted. "There's...extenuating circumstances, one might say, that I'm not at liberty to discuss. It affected their judgement. You shouldn't hold this against them."

"If you say so." Tseng was impassive for a moment. He looked up suddenly with a serious expression which belied the amusement in his eyes. "I suppose I should go ensure that there's only minimal guard duty posted for the evening, then. I trust you can handle this on your own?"

"I might've done it a time or two before," Rude answered casually, turning his attention back to the partially constructed bomb before him.

"Excellent. Conceal those somewhere safe once you're finished," Tseng instructed. "We'll pick them up again when we return tonight."

- - - - - - - - - -

As soon as the guards left Reno and Elena in their small cell, the latter wasted no time in turning on her coworker, eyes narrowed. "Well, you've really done it this time," Elena said darkly. "I mean, you've done some stupid things, but this takes the cake."

Reno rolled his eyes and walked over to the small single bunk to sit down.

"Don't you walk away while I'm talking to you!" Elena snapped. "I mean, it's bad enough that you got us in this mess, and now you won't even listen!"

"**I** got us in this mess?" Reno repeated. "And since when are you such a saint? Let me tell you something, girl. Nearly everything I did was for the sake of revenge. You weren't the only one screwing with someone else's life."

"Nearly everything," Elena emphasized. "Some of the things you did were purely for the sake of ticking me off, and you know it."

"Big deal." Reno pulled off one of his stiletto-heeled sandals and glanced up at her. "Some of everything I do has always been purely for the sake of ticking you off, ever since I met you." He slipped off the other sandal and stood, patting the cool concrete floor with his bare feet. "Man, that's better. I don't know how women wear those things all day."

Elena was horrified. "Don't you make me walk on that filthy prison floor barefoot! You don't know what kind of germs are down there!"

Reno grinned mirthlessly. "Good. Maybe you'll catch salmonella."

"Put the shoes back on, Reno!" Elena ordered, glaring at him.

"Not until you admit this wasn't just my fault," Reno replied, padding around the cell with his sandals dangling from one hand.

Elena narrowed her eyes. "Never."

"Then you'll just get stuck with Mad Cow Disease." Reno wiggled his toes and smirked.

"I thought it was salmonella," Elena pointed out, watching him and trying not to show her anxiety.

"Fine. You can have both."

Elena was ready to tackle her co-worker and wrestle the shoes onto him-when a sudden shift in her frame of mind occurred, and she sighed. "Fine, okay, you're right," she conceded. "I guess we both played a part in it. But you didn't help any."

"I generally try not to," Reno answered frankly.

"I noticed," Elena responded.

"Given the circumstances, though, I think a temporary truce might be in order," Reno commented. "At least until we figure out how to break out of here." He held out one hand-still adorned with the long, sparkling violet nails he'd had put on earlier before coming to work-and gave her a winning smile. "Come on, you know you wanna be my partner..."

Elena sighed. "Not really," she replied. "I'd rather work with Tseng anyday. But I guess even you're better than nothing..." She took his hand and gave it a firm shake.

"You're no Rude, either," Reno said. "But you'll work for the interim." He pulled his hand away and sat down on the bunk again.

Elena plopped down beside him. "So. How're we going to get ourselves out of this one?"

"I hadn't thought that far ahead." Reno rested his chin in his hands and looked meditative. "Know what?" he commented with a grin after a moment. "This reminds me of the last time I was in jail."

"You were in jail?" Elena asked in disbelief.

Reno glanced over at her. "What, I don't seem the type?"

"No, you do," Elena replied. "But I figured you would've used your status as a Turk to get out of any scrapes you managed to fall into."

"Oh. Well, this was before my Shin-Ra days," Reno replied. "When I was a teenager. It all started one Friday night, cruising around with some friends and just having a good time. After we'd been out for a few hours, one of my buddies made us stop at at a convenience store. He went in by himself and was gone for about fifteen minutes. We figured he'd gone in to buy himself something." He paused with a smile and shook his head, but said no more.

Elena's curiosity got the better of her. "What happened?" she asked.

"Well, he came tearing out of the store trailing gil and chocolate marshmallow pies," Reno replied, grinning. "He jumped in the car and told us to drive as fast as we could. We asked him what happened. He said, 'Um...they paid me to take these pies.'"

"And you believed him?" Elena looked at him skeptically.

"I had impaired judgement!" Reno answered defensively.

"Oh, so you were drunk..."

"I didn't say that, did I? Anyway, we got away without being caught, but later that night we started talking about how easy it had been for my friend to get away. We kinda decided to try to rob another store ourselves."

"You idiot," Elena sighed. "How much gil did you manage to swipe?"

"Well..." Reno scratched his head. "I can't exactly remember why, but at the time we weren't worried about the gil in the register. We ended up stealing two cases of beer, some peanut butter fudge, and the flashlight from under the counter."

Elena started laughing. "How horrible," she said, sticking her tongue out at him.

"We accidentally tripped off some kind of silent alarm while we were there," Reno went on. "And by the time we heard the police sirens, we were so plastered we couldn't remember how we got in." He sighed. "We didn't get in as much trouble as we might have if we'd broke into the register or something, but man, I thought they'd never stop lecturing us about being 'responsible citizens'..."

"So glad to see that lesson took," Elena quipped.

"You know the great thing about it?" Reno asked. "They forgot to make us empty our pockets, so when they finally let us go, I still got to keep like six pounds of fudge." He grinned at Elena.

She smiled and was about to reply when the door to their cell abruptly slid open. A masked, blue-clad guard identical to the ones who had arrested them earlier stood in the doorframe. "You two are to report to the mess hall for dinner," he announced. "Come with us."

Reno's brows went up. "What floor are we on, anyway?"

"Sublevel three," the guard replied. "Not that it matters."

"Sublevel three..." Elena frowned. "I didn't even know we had sublevels."

"Move it!" the guard ordered impatiently.

Reno and Elena obediently walked out of the cell. As soon as they were in the hallway, the guard who had opened the door began leading them down the darkened corridor. Two more guards fell in behind them, their guns trained on the Turks' backs. "This is a temporary holding facility," he commented in an undertone to Elena as they walked. "Most people don't even know it exists-I didn't find out about it for my whole first year. Prisoners are kept here while awaiting trial, although sometimes they may end up waiting for months or even years, depending on the urgency of their case."

"No talking!" one of the guards behind them barked gruffly.

They came to a heavy steel door. The guard who had led them from their cell now punched an access code into a keypad on the wall, and with a metallic groan of protest, the door slid open-although, given the sight they were greeted with, both might have preferred to keep the door shut.

The group of Turks and guards stepped out onto a metal catwalk mounted on the wall. Below them, the stark concrete dining hall seemed jammed beyond capacity with surly, dangerous-looking individuals, most of them men. "Sublevel three usually has the cream of the crop," Reno commented. "People charged with treason-like us; terrorists; mass murderers not on the Shin-Ra payroll; things like that."

"I'm sure they'll give you a warm welcome," the guard who had led them replied, pointing them to a rickety metal ladder that led to the crowded dining hall below. "Meal time is an hour long; we'll let you back up at 8:00 pm. Have a nice dinner," he added sarcastically.

Elena reluctantly descended, trying not to look down as she went. Reno followed wordlessly. By the time the unusual-looking pair had reached the bottom of the stairs, they'd managed to attract the attention of nearly every prisoner in the mess hall. "Reno," Elena hissed to her co-worker as he climbed off the ladder. "Why are those guys looking at us like that?"

Reno arched one brow. "Well, at the moment, you're a pretty boy decked out in drag, and I'm a breathing female," he answered. "You do the math."

Elena's eyes widened in horror. "I don't want to be someone's boyfriend!" she gasped.

"No kidding," he replied dryly, watching the prisoners around them warily. "At least we're in a corner so they can't attack us from more than one direction."

"But there's too many of them," Elena whispered. "We'd never be able to fight them all off..."

Reno glanced at her skeptically. "You want to go down without a fight?" he asked.

Elena grimaced. "On second thought, bring 'em on."

"That's what I thought." Reno jerked his arm away from a nearby prisoner and glared. "Hey! Hands off the merchandise, creep," he snapped.

"Yer awful purty, girlie," the man who had grabbed at Reno's arm said with a broad leer, rubbing at his unkempt gray-blonde beard with the back of one hand. "What're you doin' in a place like this? Need someone to pertect ya?"

"I'd rather have my kidneys ground into hamburger and sold in a fast food chain," Reno replied.

"Ooh, ain't she jist a hateful lil' thing," the prisoner said in amusement. The men around them laughed coarsely.

Elena bit her lip and glanced at Reno. "Got any ideas?" she asked.

Reno shrugged. "I say we pick the nearest prisoner-"

There was a sudden muffled _boom_, as if a cannon had gone off a few floors up. A large portion of the wall to Reno and Elena's right suddenly shuddered, then collapsed as if there was no mortar between the bricks. Several of the prisoners disappeared beneath the falling stone, and the others backed up in alarm.

"...or, we could just let the wall fall in on them," Reno said, eyes wide.

Elena was just as astonished. "What on the Planet is..." she began.

Tseng appeared in the gaping black opening, dusting off his jacket. "I see you two haven't killed each other while you were gone," he remarked, as casually if he were commenting on the weather.

"Oh, thank God!" Elena exclaimed in delight, darting forward and throwing her arms around Tseng's neck. "You have no idea what a sight for sore eyes you are, Tseng..."

The Wutaiian stiffly patted her on the back. "I'm glad you're happy to see me, Reno. But do you think you could you let go of me now?"

Elena paused. "What? Oh, right." She dropped her arms abruptly and stepped back. "Heh...sorry," she said self-consciously.

Rude stepped forward. "As much as I hate to interrupt this, we don't have much time," he remarked, nodding toward the dining hall, where the prisoners and guards alike seemed to be regathering their wits.

"You don't have to tell me twice," Reno answered, walking hurriedly toward the gaping hole in the wall.

"But wait," Elena interrupted. "Isn't this technically high treason for you two?"

Reno sighed-trust Elena to bring forth a moral dilemma at a time like this.

"It's more like mid-level treason," Tseng answered dismissively. "If it bothers you that badly, we can leave you here..."

"No!" Elena's eyes widened with the thought. "It doesn't bother me a bit. Lead on."

- - - - - - - - - -

**Chapter Eight Preview--_On the Lam (title may change): _**_The Turks hunt for a decent place to hide Reno and Elena until things calm down at Shin-Ra. Where can they be hidden? And will Tseng finally realize what's going on?_

_Please review. :)_


	8. My goodies

**A/N: **_Greetings once more! Here I am again, with a new chapter that I hope you'll enjoy. My apologies that Rude doesn't show up in this chapter--he will be present in the next, I promise. With luck, you'll still find this entertaining in and of itself. I owe some thanks to my friends and a couple of mass media products (TV shows, movies, etc) for a few of the jokes in here...I also owe the artist Ciara for helping me think of a title for this chapter. :)_

_I want to give a warm thank you to everyone who reviewed! You ought to know by now that I appreciate it most whole-heartedly. Please keep them coming! Reviews make my creativity come to life, and also get me motivated to actually sit down and type up a new chapter. :)_

_**Disclaimer**: I do not own Final Fantasy VII, although I wish I personally knew those people who do, because I'd wheedle them to remake it for the PS3. :P_

**- - - - - - - - - -**

**Chapter Eight:** **_My goodies_**

The sun had been up for several hours by the time Reno stirred drowsily. He sat up and looked around blearily at a small, unfamiliar bedroom. It was decorated in shades of soft blue and yellow, and personal items here and there–an embroidered sampler, a framed snapshot of a group of teenagers, a poster of a popular rock band–hinted that this was a room in someone's home.

He ran one hand through his hair and tried to remember what had happened for him to end up in this room. There had been the War of the Pranks between himself and Elena, which had led to their arrest, which had led to their imprisonment below the Shin-Ra building and subsequent unexpected rescue by their fellow Turks.

The four had gone through the newly created gap in the prison wall and found themselves in an old, obsolete drain system that had apparently never been removed once the newer system was installed. There were numerous places where the pipes had caved in, blocking their way with an impenetrable mass of earth, but their rescuers had apparently taken the time to chart a clear path that took them from beneath the Shin-Ra building to a steep bank above a small, swift river.

Reno had been only slightly surprised to find an unfamiliar man waiting for them with a plain black van. He knew that when Tseng planned something, he planned it well, and the Wutaiian Turk had contacts everywhere. They had ridden in the van for a good while–at least an hour, probably much longer–and then stopped in the middle of nowhere to trade vehicles. Their second ride, a small gray car driven by a quiet young woman, had taken them as far as the coast. They had proceeded to board a small ferry, aboard which Reno had dozed off. He couldn't remember waking up, and had no idea where exactly he was. The fact that he at least wasn't cuffed, though, was a good thing as far as he was concerned.

He threw back the blankets and almost immediately spotted a clean pair of jeans and simple black t-shirt hanging on the back of the bedroom door–a not-so-subtle hint that he was supposed to change. Not that he minded; he'd donned his ridiculously skimpy outfit before to annoy Elena, but it wasn't anywhere close to comfortable. He hurriedly changed clothes, then set out to learn more about his surroundings.

Reno stepped from the room into a narrow hallway, decorated with a few family portraits of complete strangers. He paused to look at one of the pictures; the individuals looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't exactly place his finger on who they reminded him of. He didn't waste much time wondering, though, as a tempting aroma of frying bacon lured him down a flight of stairs and into a well-lit, cheerfully decorated kitchen.

"Good morning, Reno," Elena called over her shoulder. She, too, had changed into more sensible, nondescript clothing and was standing in front of the stove, cooking. "Tseng and Rude left early this mornig–apparently they had some 'business' to take care of–but Tseng left orders for us. We're not supposed to leave the house, or open the curtains."

"Where are we?" Reno asked in confusion.

"I don't know. I haven't left the house or opened the curtains." Elena walked away from the stove for a moment to put two slices of bread in a toaster. "I don't think we're on the same continent, though," she added.

"Okay...why is it safe for them to leave, but not us?" Reno asked, leaning against the counter.

"Because unless the company has linked Tseng and Rude with our escape, they have no reason to suspect either one–and they won't be missed from work, because it's Saturday," Elena explained. "Whereas we, on the other hand, are wanted criminals."

"Oh." Reno looked meaningfully at the bacon sizzling in the frying pan. "Did you make some for me?" he asked Elena, giving her his best puppy dog face, even though he didn't know how effective it was with her features.

Elena glanced over at him and sighed. "Oh, save it, Reno," she told him. "There's enough for both of us."

"Sweet of you." Reno grinned. "I always knew you liked me."

"It's not because I like you, dork. It's because if I only made enough for me, you'd steal my breakfast before you made some for yourself," Elena answered, rolling her eyes. "Why don't you get us something to drink, at least?"

"Fine, fine." Reno stood up and walked across the kitchen. "So whose house is this?" he asked as he opened the refrigerator door. His eyes narrowed suddenly. "And why don't they have any beer?" he added.

Elena rolled her eyes. "Come get your bacon," she told him.

Reno grumbled under his breath and shut the refrigerator door, then walked over to Elena and took the saucer she was holding out to him. As he plopped down at the kitchen table and began munching on his breakfast, Elena fixed two mugs of coffee and carried them over to the table, then sat down with her own plate of breakfast. "So whose house is this, anyway?" Reno asked as soon as his coworker had sat down.

Elena glanced up. "You already asked me that."

"But you didn't answer the first time," he responded instantly.

She shrugged. "That's because I don't know. How could I know? I wake up in some strange bedroom, I come downstairs, and Tseng and Rude already have their shoes on. They never bothered mentioning where we are."

"So we don't even know whose house this is?" Reno asked in disbelief. "Geez, I hope they don't come home any time soon."

"I don't think Tseng would've brought us here if there was some risk of us getting discovered," Elena answered calmly, nibbling on her toast.

Reno eyed her disdainfully. "You eat like a girl."

She sighed in exasperation. "Just because I look like you, doesn't mean I have to eat like you."

"Fine." Reno was silent for a moment, glancing around with a bored expression as he ate.

Elena watched him warily–she'd seen the very creative, somewhat horrific, and completely devious things Reno could come up with when his mind wasn't otherwise occupied. As she kept her gaze on him, his eyes suddenly lit up, confirming her suspicions that he'd been thinking of something to fill their day.

"Laney!" Reno addressed her, his voice brimming with enthusiasm. "I've got it! We should go through the house and try to figure out who these people are!"

"No," Elena answered flatly.

"Come on! It's the chance of a lifetime to snoop around in some complete stranger's stuff without getting caught!" Reno gave her a winning smile.

"The chance of a lifetime, huh?" Elena replied, sounding thoughtful. "In that case...no."

"Laney, come on!" Reno wheedled persistently. "I mean, we don't know who these people are! They could be serial killers, or Shin-Ra sympathizers, or telemarketers! Come on, we've got to do some research. We'll start by looking for journals and family albums."

"Reno, it's going to seem really freaky if anyone–the people who live here, or Tseng and Rude–comes back and catches us reading some strangers' diaries," Elena protested.

"It'll seem freakier if they come home and we're in the back alley, going through their garbage to find out about them," he answered.

"Reno!"

He held his hands up in a mock gesture of surrender. "Okay, okay. But the least we should do is walk through the house and get an idea of the layout. You know–if some soldiers came knocking on the front door, we'll want to know how to get to the back door as quickly as possible."

"Well..." Elena felt herself wavering. _He does have a point, _she thought. _Even though I'm sure he's more interested in being nosy than charting an escape route_.

Reno sensed Elena's hesitation and pressed his point. "You know it's a good idea," he said. "And we might find something interesting in the process...like a game room!"

"Ooh, yeah," Elena answered sarcastically. "Or mabe some deadly mildew growing under the bathroom sink. Or a portal to hell in the basement!"

"Chill out, Laney," Reno answered nonchalantly. "Besides, you know that even if there was a portal to hell, it'd be wicked awesome."

"You would think so, wouldn't you?" Elena asked in exasperation as she deposted her breakfast dishes in the sink. "Fine, fine. You convinced me. Let's just get our snooping done before Tseng comes back and lectures us about 'acting professional.'"

The pair wandered through the house and managed to discover–besides the kitchen they'd started in–a total of three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a home office, a living room, an unfinished basement (which, Elena pointed out, was free of any portals, hell-bound or otherwise), a laundry room, an attic full of plastic storage containers, a dining room, and a den which they finished their grand tour in.

"How boring," Reno said with disgust. "You'd think they'd at least have a pool table. At least they have a big screen TV...I wonder how many channels this baby gets?" He picked up the remote and began jabbing at the buttons.

"If we're going to watch television all morning, I'm going to go get some snacks," Elena commented, beginning to walk out of the den.

"Knock yourself out," Reno answered in derision. "These people don't have a drop of booze in their house...it's not likely they'll have any junk food, either. You'll probably find celery sticks and sundried raisins–if you're lucky." Elena didn't answer–she had probably already gone out of earshot–but it didn't matter whether or not she'd heard him, only that she didn't get the last word. He flopped down on one end of an overstuffed couch, still flipping through the channels...and heard a strange _crinkle_.

"Huh?" Reno looked around the room, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. He leaned back cautiously...and heard another rustling _crinkle_ as he settled into the cushions. Suspicious now, he slid off the couch, then lifted the edge of the cushion he'd been sitting on...and there, tucked against the back of the sofa, was an unopened bag of fun-sized candy bars.

Reno's eyes lit up. He pulled the bag from beneath the cushion and sprawled out on the couch with delight–and then, without hesitation, began ripping open the miniature candy bars and popping them in his mouth like there was no tomorrow as he watched the television.

He heard Elena's footsteps re-enter the room a moment later. "Okay, I don't want to hear you say 'I told you so!', but you were right," she announced as she came in. "The best I could come up with was some sunflower seeds and a package of reduced-fat, multigrain crackers. Take your pick." She walked in as far as the end of the couch and paused, staring at the television screen. "Five hundred channels, and you want to watch a 24-hour news station?" she asked skeptically.

"I like to stay informed," Reno replied casually.

"And you want to see if the company put us on the news as wanted," Elena added, laying the snacks she'd gathered on the table.

"That, too," Reno agreed. "I hope they didn't use my ID badge photo–it's really horrible." He popped a few candy bars in his mouth. Around his mouthful of chocolate, he added, "Di' you fihn anyshin to dwink inn dere?"

"Good grief, would it kill you to swallow your food before you talk?" Elena grumbled, glancing over at him–and pausing as she saw what he held. "What...what're you eating?"

"I found them," Reno said defensively, sitting up straighter and clutching the bag against his chest with one hand. "They're mine."

Elena's eyes had a dangerous gleam. "I'm not getting stuck with multigrain crackers just because you're a greedy pig," she warned him. "And I'll win a wrestling match now, because I've got your body!"

Reno grinned. "That sounds dirty," he remarked.

She scowled at him. "Just give me the chocolate!" she ordered.

He stuffed the bag of candy under his shirt. "If you think you can get it..." he began.

"So that's how you want it? Then FINE!" Elena yelled, tackling her co-worker and beginning a full-scale wrestling match for the candy.

Winning wasn't as easy as she'd hoped–Reno's reflexes were as quick as ever, and he kept tickling her to make her lose her focus. "Stop that tickling and give it to me already!" she told him.

"I'm not giving it up that easy," Reno answered.

"I'll rip your shirt off you if I have to," Elena warned him.

"Like you don't want to get my shirt off me anyway," he mocked her.

"Just give it to me!" Elena snapped–then started chuckling as Reno began tickling her again.

A third voice broke in on their quarrel. "I suppose I should at least be glad you stayed inside," Tseng commented dryly, his expression as composed as ever.

Elena and Reno froze. "Heh...heh...hi, Tseng..." she said, looking up with an angelic expresion. "This probably looks really, um...strange..."

"Somewhat," Tseng agreed, arching one eyebrow and looking pointedly at them.

Elena realized that she still had her hand halfway up Reno's shirt, and pulled it free hastily, her face red as she scooted back on the sofa. "I...um...we weren't..."

"It's just so hard for me to control myself when I'm left alone with Reno and his sexy body," Reno said with an unabashed grin, sitting up and flipping his hair out of his face.

"Shut up!" Elena said, giving him a horrified gaze.

"I won't presume to give you orders as to when and with whom your relationships should be," Tseng commented cooly. "However, I do ask that you at least take it upstairs next time."

Reno was confused. "Um...why?"

"I don't know if these people can afford a new couch, and you're making me want to burn that one," Tseng replied. He turned and left without any further remarks, giving the others the distinct impression that he was rather annoyed beneath his placid exterior.

Elena sighed and sat back against the couch. "Well. That was awkward."

"Nah," Reno replied. "It just made my reputation even better."

"I was talking about for me, nitwit," Elena snapped, hitting Reno with a pillow.

"Ow!" Reno scowled at her and scooted to the far end of the couch, pulling the elusive bag of candy from under his shirt. "Mean little brat...why don't you go bug Rude for a while?" he asked, turning his gaze back to the television.

Elena sighed. "It's better than hanging around with you," she retorted, standing and straightening her clothing.

"Nah," Reno argued. "But at least, if Tseng finds you and him rolling around on the couch, he'll forget all about what happened with us, right?" He grinned. "Not that I think you'd be able to wrestle for more than twenty seconds before you were tied up in the corner somewhere."

Elena glared down at Reno. "Have I told you I hate you today?"

"Now you have." He picked up the remote and turned the volume up. "Shoo, shoo. The story about my arrest is coming on." Reno ceased paying any attention to Elena at all at this point; his eyes became riveted to the television screen.

Elena sighed and began to make a comeback, but changed her mind and walked out.

- - - - - - - - - -

**Chapter Nine Preview: **_Elena takes her worries about what Tseng must think of her to Rude, and Reno finds out that someone else (nope, not saying who) knows what's going on...as well as some other undisclosed things. You'll have to wait and see:)_

_Please review:)_


	9. Sometimes, it's better to let it ring

**A/N: **_Greetings, all! My sincerest apologies for the lengthy hiatus. Papers and exams have this nasty habit of crushing your brain cells like that. On the plus side, since my creativity came back all in one rush, the next chapter is already framed out and just needs some TLC and polish. (It's shaping up to be pretty funny; at least, my sister laughed when I outlined my general plans for it. Which I wasn't expecting.) I hope you enjoy this chapter—my favorite part was the first excerpt, but who knows what your favorite part will be? _

_If you have the time and feel like making the world a brighter place, you can do your little part to make the sun shine on me by leaving me a review:) _

**Disclaimer:** _The measly amount I can say I truly own would fill, at most, a shoebox. Since Final Fantasy VII and its associated characters, ideas, etc. are all collectively far too big to fit in a shoebox, I must not own them, right? ;D _

- - - - - - - - - -

**Chapter Nine: _Sometimes, it's better to let it ring_**

After wandering in and out of several unfamiliar rooms, Elena found herself in the living room. It was already occupied by Rude, who was lounging in an overstuffed chair with a relaxed expression and watching a baseball game on television.

Elena hesitated. She hadn't really planned to "go bug Rude," as Reno had put it, but she did need someone to talk to, and Rude was currently her best option. Besides, if she was going to convince Tseng that she was Reno, she needed to spend more time with her bald coworker.

"Hey," she said casually, laying down on the couch and staring at the television.

Rude nodded his head just slightly, apparently as a greeting.

Elena waited for a moment for a verbal reply, then forged ahead in the conversation when none came. "Um...how's the game going?" she asked.

Rude glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. He wasn't always adept at reading people, but it was fairly plain that Elena had other things on her mind. Rude decided to test her to see if she was paying attention, just in case his instincts were off. "The score was 3 to 0," he replied calmly, "when a big house fell in the middle of the field and killed the pitcher."

"That's nice," Elena answered in a bored tone, staring at the screen. "So, um...how many more periods does this thing have?"

"Innings, not periods," Rude replied, sighing. "It's a baseball game, not a woman."

"Fine," Elena grumbled. "How many more endings does this thing have?"

Rude started to correct her again, then gave the attempt up as a lost cause. "This is the third inning," he answered. "And there are nine innings in all."

Elena flopped over on her stomach and propped her arms on the end of the couch, resting her chin in her hands. "So it's going to be a while?" she asked.

"Yes," Rude replied, even though he had a sinking feeling that he wouldn't get to see at least the next inning or so.

"Well, would it distract you too much if I asked you a question?" she asked.

"One question?" he repeated skeptically.

"Well...okay, more like a conversation," she admitted.

Rude sighed and reluctantly turned off the television. "I'm listening," he told her.

Elena rolled onto her back again and stared at the ceiling with a frown. "I'm worried," she remarked. "I know the past two days have been a little crazy."

"That's a serious understatement," Rude pointed out.

"Okay, a lot crazy. But Reno started most of it–"

Rude gave Elena a disapproving look.

"Well, okay...we both had an equal part in the fighting. Is that what you want me to say?"

"I want you to be honest," Rude answered. "With me as well as yourself. Otherwise, I'm turning the game back on."

Elena glared at him. "You sound like my dad," she remarked.

Rude reached for the remote wordlessly.

"No, no, okay! Fine! I'll be honest," Elena begged. "Just don't ignore me. I can't talk with Reno or Tseng about this, and you're the only other person in the house." She paused, then added, "The only other person I know of, anyway."

"Why can't you talk to Tseng about it?" Rude asked, sounding slightly curious.

"Um...because..." Elena sighed. "I'm worried about what Tseng must think of me. Not me-Reno, me-Elena. What if he thinks I've totally snapped?"

"He never liked you in the romantic sense even before this happened," Rude remarked. "Not that I know of, at least."

"Big deal," Elena countered. "We hardly ever know what Tseng's thinking unless he tells us, or Reno hacks his computer. He has the same expression all the time. You know what I think?"

Elena leaned forward conspiritorally and lowered her voice. "I think he gets Botox injections."

Rude fought the urge to sigh and instead glanced longingly at the television.

"Besides," Elena went on, resuming her normal tone, "just because he might not like me doesn't mean that I don't like him, you know?"

"Mmm-hmm." Rude glanced around for a magazine to flip through.

"And Tseng probably thinks I'm a slut now, because he found me and Reno wrestling on the couch, and I know he must've taken it the wrong way. I swearwe were just fighting over a bag of candy," she added emphatically.

"Mmm-hmm." Having failed to find a magazine, Rude leaned back and shut his eyes.

"So I was thinking of going to talk to him about what happened.," Elena continued, sitting up and hugging a throw pillow to her chest. "I mean, I was afraid at first that it would hurt my career or my chances with Tseng, but if all the stuff that's already happened doesn't affect me, this certainly won't. Right?"

"Mmm-hmm." Rude could feel himself starting to doze off.

Elena's eyes narrowed. "Are you paying attention to me?" she asked suspiciously.

Rude opened his eyes enough to glance at her. "Of course," he answered, fighting the urge to yawn. "But I don't know what makes you think that Tseng doesn't already know what's going on."

"Huh?" Elena looked worried. "What do you mean?"

"I realized something was going on after just a few hours of interacting with you," Rude pointed out. "What makes you think Tseng hasn't noticed enough irregularities over the past few days to put two and two together?"

Elena's expression shifted from worry to horror. "Oh, no," she breathed. "So he probably thinks I'm a liar, too!"

"Well, the sooner you talk to him about it, the better," Rude urged. "Why don't you go find him?"

"I should," Elena agreed, jumping up off the couch and dropping the throw pillow. "Thanks for the advice, Rude! You're the best." She hurried out of the room with an air of determination.

Rude picked up the remote and turned his baseball game back on. "Sure," he replied, even though he knew Elena was out of earshot. "Don't mention it."

- - - - - - - - - -

Reno idly flipped through the channels, changing his sitting position every few seconds–first laying down, then sitting in the corner, then on the floor in front of the television, then back on the couch again. He told himself that the reason he was so restless was because 1)There was nothing worth watching now that the story about his arrest was over, and 2)He'd run out of miniature candy bars.

It had nothing to do with his conscience, and especially nothing to do with how upset Elena had been when their co-workers had walked in. He didn't feel guilty over such a little thing as that. It wasn't like the kid had a chance with Tseng anyway, and besides, once their leader discovered the body-switching situation (as he undoubtedly would eventually, if he hadn't already), the couch fiasco would seem like very small potatoes indeed.

So, he was not feeling guilty. At all. And any fragment of buried emotion that even seemed like guilt was probably just indigestion from eating thirty-eight fun-sized chocolate bars in rapid succession.

Reno sat up and looked around the living room in boredom. He was sick of flipping through the channels. Since the house was as exciting as a bottle of low-dose aspirin, and Elena was probably still mad at him (for no good reason, he reminded himself), that meant he had to turn to Tseng or Rude for entertainment. _Tseng might be more fun,_ Reno thought. _Maybe I can mess with his head some more._

He got up and wandered through first the lower level, then the upper level of the house, peeking into every doorway he passed in case Tseng was lurking somewhere just out of his line of sight. He did find Rude (who appeared to be hibernating in front of a televised baseball game), and Elena (who glared at him as he passed her in the hallway), but there was no sign of the Wutaiian Turk.

Reno leaned against the wall in the upstairs hallway and sighed with disappointment. _That didn't go as planned. Where could Tseng have gone? ...and, more importantly, what am I supposed to do now for fun?_ He glanced around for some inspiration, but all he saw was the framed family portrait he'd noticed earlier hanging on the wall further down the hallway, and a window at the end of the hall.

_Wait._ Reno walked to stand in front of the picture and looked at it suspiciously. _I know these people from somewhere..._ He reached out and lifted the picture off its hangar, tucking it under one arm as he headed down the stairs to the kitchen.

It only took a few moments of rummaging around in one of the drawers to locate a black marker. Reno laid the picture on the counter, uncapped the marker, and began furiously scribbling on the protective glass cover.

A moment later, he picked up the picture and held it at arm's length. Every person in the family now seemed to be wearing a crude pair of sunglasses and, once that bit of familarity was added, it became readily apparent who they had reminded Reno of. "So this is Rude's family!" he said with satisfaction, grinning. "I knew they'd have to take us someplace that they knew, without any doubt, was safe. And of course Rude would know about his mom's house. Or aunt's, or whosever this place is. Right? Right."

Reno started to leave the room, eager to find Elena and dazzle her with his powers of deductive reasoning, as well as lord over her the fact that he'd solved the puzzle of whose house this was before she could. Before he exited, however, he heard the phone ring.

Reno paused mid-step and glanced over his shoulder at the phone. He knew, deep down, that he really shouldn't...but, for all he knew, it was important. And he could disguise his voice on the phone. And...well, it was probably just a telemarketer, or something. Reno knew that he was technically rationalizing, but he chose to ignore that inconvenient fact for the moment.

Walking over to the phone, he noticed that the caller ID displayed a Wutaiian number. _See?_ he thought triumphantly. _Not likely to be any Shin-Ra contacts calling from Wutai. Wutai hates us._

Still, in the back of his mind, he could visualize Tseng frowning at him disapprovingly and saying in that matter-of-fact tone, " Reno, you know I've told you that impulsivity is a negative trait..."

"Oh, shut up, kill joy," Reno muttered to his mental image, shaking his head to clear it away. Then, before any other pesky thoughts could dissuade him, he picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

"Finally, someone answers!" the caller said in relief. " Reno, isn't it?"

Reno's eyes went wide with shock. "Um, I'm sorry...you must have the wrong number," he replied, speaking in a falsetto that made Elena's already feminine voice sound even girlier.

"No, no. No sense in lying to me, young man. No one's ever been able to do it yet." The caller sounded amused. "I saw your picture on the news."

Reno was somewhat annoyed. _Okay, I don't have the deepest voice, but it is not girly,_ he thought defensively. _How could this idiot get it confused with Elena's?_

"Not the best picture, though," the caller went on, sounding rueful. "I'll bet they used the photo on your identification badge."

"I haven't been on the news," Reno insisted. "I told you, whoever you are, you have the wrong number. My name is..." He paused for a moment and thought hurriedly. _Rude hasn't ever mentioned a little sister, but doesn't he have a cute teenage cousin named Lora? Yes, that's right! He does!_ "My name is Lora," he finished triumphantly.

"I daresay I'd believe you if I didn't know better," the caller answered, still unfazed by his remarks. "Of course, having a girl's voice makes you even more convincing, but that's not the point. Listen, young man–Reno, I should say. I'd like to speak with your supervisor."

"I don't have a supervisor," Reno lied.

"Don't be ridiculous! Tell him that he forgot his cat, and it ran away from home–"

Reno didn't dare to hesitate any longer–who knew what kind of information the company might be learning through sophisticated tracking software, while he was busy arguing with this lunatic? Immediately he hung up, and just to be on the safe side, he pulled the phone cord out of the wall. Then he walked through the house hurriedly, trying to think of a plausible cover story. _Man, Tseng is going to be ticked..._

- - - - - - - - - -

After scouring every nook and cranny of the house, Elena had at last found Tseng as he walked in the back door. "Where were you?" she asked him, sounding less like his subordinate and more like his mother.

Tseng arched one brow at her. "I believe a better question would be, is it any of your business?" he remarked cooly as he brushed past her.

"Tseng, wait! I really need to talk to you!" Elena pleaded. "It's really important."

"Fine." Tseng walked into the den and sat down. "I'm listening."

"Um…" Elena wiped her damp palms on her pants and tried to think of a plausible explanation. "Well, you see, there was this weird accident…"

Tseng watched her impassively. "Yes?" he prompted after she had stood in nervous silence for a few moments.

"Okay, there was this thing, and…well, what I'm trying to say is, I woke up and Reno woke up, and we…but I don't know, because we didn't do anything to cause it, and…" Elena paused and frowned. "Oh, I'm not making any sense," she grumbled, more to herself than to Tseng. "I just don't know how to put it—"

"If you are referring to the situation wherein you and your coworker have apparently switched bodies, I'm fully aware of it," Tseng answered calmly.

Elena paused. "What?"

"I'm aware of the situation," Tseng answered, watching her with an expressionless gaze. "Although no one has come forward to confirm my suspicions, the truth is fairly obvious."

"So…you know I'm Elena?" Elena asked in shock.

Tseng nodded slightly.

"And you didn't say anything?" Elena asked, feeling her eyes grow wide.

"It didn't seem necessary," Tseng answered shortly.

Elena felt like her emotions were boiling over. Surprise that Tseng had known all this time, worry about what he planned to do about the situation, anger that he didn't even seem to care what was going on…

Anger won out. She took a step forward and gave Tseng a harsh slap that resounded throughout the room. "THEN WHAT IS FREAKIN' WRONG WITH YOU?!" she screeched.

Tseng rose to his feet calmly, apparently not even mentally registering the fact that she'd hit him, despite the red hand-shaped mark that was now on his face. "I'm not sure what you're getting at," he said flatly.

"See? See?" Elena demanded in an accusatory tone. "I just slapped you and you're acting like nothing happened! Would it kill you to show just a little emotion at least once a month?" She grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "SMILE, darn you!" she shouted. "FROWN. Or do SOMETHING! Don't just sit there and stare at me like your limbic system is on standby!"

Tseng reached up and pried one of Elena's hands off his shoulders. "I don't believe this is appropriate, given the circumstances," he answered calmly. "Besides, there's someone at the door."

Elena whirled and saw Reno standing just on the other side of the doorway, looking both surprised and amused. "Oh, no," he said, waving one hand. "Don't let me interrupt this."

"Do you mind?" Elena demanded. "We're on the verge of an emotional breakthrough."

"No, you're not," Reno argued. "There was a file clerk that tried almost the very same thing with Tseng a few months before you came. Eventually we had to carry her in the next room and give her an injection of sedatives." Reno paused thoughtfully, then added, "She was fired not too long after that, I believe…"

Elena sighed in disappointment, giving up her outburst as a lost cause and letting go of Tseng's shoulder. "Fine, whatever," she said in disgust.

Tseng glanced at Elena, and for a split second she could've sworn there was a hint of a smile on his face. "I see no need to bring up this encounter ever again," he stated. "Now, what can I help you with, Reno?"

Reno's eyes went wide. "You know?" he asked in surprise.

"He's known for a while," Elena agreed glumly.

"Okay, well, I can see where it would be kinda obvious to someone who knows us both," Reno agreed with a shrug. "I mean, Laney's nowhere NEAR cool enough to convince anyone that she's m—"

"The point, Reno?" Tseng asked, folding his arms.

"Oh, right. Well, don't be mad," Reno began. "But, um…well, okay, I was in the kitchen, and the phone was ringing—"

"Tell me you didn't answer it," Tseng sighed, shutting his eyes as if in pain.

"Okay. I didn't answer it," Reno replied.

Tseng opened his eyes again and frowned at Reno. "Are you lying?"

"Yes."

"I thought as much." Tseng watched Reno coolly. "So, what happened?"

"Some crazy person answered the phone, and I don't know who the person was, but they knew who I am—I mean, they called me Reno, not Elena, even—and they knew about the body-switching, because they said I had a girl's voice since I was in a girl's body. They wanted to talk to you...they said something about a cat. The number that showed up on the caller ID was from Wutai," he added. "So you're not mad, since I remembered so much information, right?"

"I'm disinclined to respond to your query," Tseng answered. "Is that number still on the caller ID?"

"I don't know," Reno answered truthfully. "I kind of yanked the cord out of the wall, to make sure the line was really disconnected."

"Then I suggest we find out." Tseng brushed past Reno and Elena.

Reno glanced at Elena. "So who would you say he's madder at right now, me or you?" he asked, smiling hopefully.

Elena rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up and come on," she retorted, following Tseng into the kitchen. Upon entering, they found Tseng re-connecting the phone line, with Rude standing nearby—apparently, he'd either heard the commotion or happened to walk in just in time. "Well?" Elena asked.

"The caller ID must have been erased when Reno disconnected the phone," Rude answered, glancing over at his coworkers. "Nice going."

"It doesn't matter," Tseng replied over his shoulder. "I think I know who it was."

"Really?" Elena asked curiously.

"I just hope I'm wrong," the head Turk added more quietly, picking up the receiver and dialing 0. "Operator?" he said. "I need the last incoming number to this location…"

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**_Chapter Ten Preview: _**_The Turks pay a visit to Wutai to confront the mystery caller (whose identity you probably have guessed by now). But do they really know what they're up against:D _

_Please review :)_


	10. An unfortunate misunderstanding

**A/N:** _I liiiiiive! I am so, so sorry for abandoning you all like that…I'd give you all my reasons/excuses why I was gone so long, but I don't want to bore you to tears. The bottom line is that, finally, after re-thinking, re-typing, and re-beta'ing this chapter, Volte-face has finally been updated. Yay! I hope you enjoy this chapter, and that it makes you laugh—I did snicker a couple of times while typing it, so hopefully I'll get the same reaction from my dear readers. Credit is due to the shows Still Standing and Monk, as well as my sister, for a few humorous moments put in here. _

_Reviews, as always, are greatly needed and appreciated even more. They help me think up new stuff for the next chapter! And also, they reassure me that this story doesn't totally stink. :D _

**Disclaimer:** _I don't own Final Fantasy VII, its characters, its locations, or any other part of it...but it would make a great present, so if anyone from Square-Enix is reading this, my birthday's in June. ;D_

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**Chapter Ten: _An Unfortunate Misunderstanding_**

It was a peaceful Sunday morning in Wutai, and the Turks were walking silently down the street. Tseng was striding just slightly ahead of them, purposefully guiding his coworkers toward their destination—although none of the others knew where exactly that was, since Tseng hadn't bothered telling them. In fact, as soon as he'd gotten the phone number he sought from the operator the day before, Tseng had merely narrowed his eyes, told the others to "be ready to leave within the next hour," and walked out of the room without any further explanation or comment.

_I hate it when he does that,_ Reno thought darkly, glaring at the back of Tseng's head. _He won't tell us what we're going up against until it jumps out of an alley and tries to cut your head off, or break your spine, or dislocate your shoulder… _

"Would you like to say something, Reno?" Tseng asked over his shoulder.

"If I'd like to say something, I'd say it," Reno groused, resisting the urge to kick at the stones on the ground. _And that's another thing,_ he thought. _How does he know when I'm thinking trash about him? Wonder if Shin-Ra put some kind of implant in his brain for quality employee control…or maybe it's just a Wutaiian thing._

"I'm sure we'll be there soon," Elena piped up, breaking into Reno's dark thoughts. She gave him a small smile.

He glanced at his coworker and hesitated, trying to decide whether to make a sarcastic, harsh remark or return her kindness. "We'll have to get there soon," he agreed at last. "Otherwise, we'll walk out of Wutai altogether. This town isn't that big."

"You can stop your complaining," Tseng replied coolly, coming to a halt. "We're here."

"Doesn't look like much," Rude commented, looking at the building before them impassively.

Rude was right—it didn't look like much. In fact, it seemed like a completely ordinary Wutaiian home, which made Reno wonder to himself if Tseng really knew what he was doing. The only thing that seemed slightly off was the fact that there were no less than six cats lounging around the house and watching the visitors with enigmatic expressions, including one lounging in the window.

"Oh, aren't they sweet?" Elena cooed in delight, crouching beside the feline nearest her—a elegant, long-haired white cat who sniffed Elena's extended hand with disdain.

"No, they're not," Tseng replied flatly. "Come on—you can gawk at the cats after we've gotten this whole mess taken care of." He walked briskly toward the front door.

"Yo, Tseng! Does that mean I'll have my body back soon?" Reno asked hopefully as he followed his leader up the porch stairs.

"That's what I'm hoping," Tseng replied. Without knocking, he opened the door and walked into the home. The other Turks followed him without comment through the open front door.

Immediately and with mutual consent, the Turks turned around and hastily retreated to the street, nearly tripping over each other in their haste to leave the building.

Tseng looked a shade paler; Elena's eyes were so wide they threatened to pop out of their sockets, and Rude grimaced slightly. Only Reno could find the ability to speak at first. "Why did we have to look at a naked old lady?" he asked, shuddering with disgust.

Tseng just blinked and shook his head, apparently at a loss for words.

"I mean, even though she wasn't facing us—thankfully—it was still so, so disgusting. I'm going to have nightmares about nursing homes full of naked geezers now. Thanks a lot, Tseng." Reno grimaced and rubbed his eyes.

"I used to like that room," Tseng said at last, flatly. "And that house. And my retinas. But they're all going to have to go."

"I don't ever want to get old," Elena said in a near-whimper, wrapping her arms around herself with a horrified expression. "I won't even be able to look at my own body…"

"What are you talking about, Laney?" Reno asked. "Your butt's already as saggy as the old woman's, so you shouldn't be surprised sixty years down the road…"

"Shut up, Reno!" Elena snapped.

"Are we going to stand out here all morning, or what?" Rude asked, bringing the others' attention back to the present.

"Thank you for saying something constructive, Rude," Tseng replied. "And no, we're not going to wait out here all morning. One of us will have to go in there and get the woman dressed so we can all come in and talk to her."

" Reno, you do it," Elena said immediately.

"What? No way!" Reno answered emphatically. "Just because I look like a woman doesn't mean I am one…"

"He's right," Tseng replied. "Elena, you're really the only logical choice for this. I would feel more comfortable if a woman—even one who happens to look like Reno at the moment—were the one to deal with the lady."

Elena grimaced. "No fair," she muttered. "If my eyes burn out because of being exposed to a naked old body for unduly long periods, I blame you."

"If your eyes haven't burned out after seeing your reflection every day, they're not going to," Reno shot back, smirking.

"Shut it, Reno!" Elena answered sharply as she made her way up the stairs. "Besides, if I do go blind, it'll really be you who loses your eyesight…"

Reno's eyes widened. "Be careful, then!" he demanded.

Elena rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the concern," she answered over her shoulder as she walked across the porch. "I'll try."

Gingerly Elena stepped through the still-open doorway, looking around for any sign of the unclothed elderly woman they'd all seen far too clearly earlier. "Uh, ma'am…?" she called as she slowly stepped further into the house. "Don't be afraid, I'm just here to talk to you. I promise not to hurt you, or to even take anything from you. Just want to talk…"

Seeing no one nearby, Elena walked further into the home, stopping just inside a dimly lit hallway. "Ma'am? Are you there?" she called.

Elena heard a rustling noise. "Don't worry," she said, stepping slowly toward the noise. "I just need to talk to you for a second." _And dress you,_ she thought. _But I'll explain that later. _Elena squinted as she tried to make sense of the shadows in the hall, wondering where the elderly woman was hiding.

So intent was Elena on trying to spot her quarry that she didn't hear the soft padding of bare feet sneaking up behind her…in fact, she wasn't aware that anyone was behind her at all until she felt a solid crack against the back of her skull.

The old woman cackled in triumph as Elena slumped onto the floor, unconsciousness. "Serves you right, you deviant little monster! Preying on helpless old women…"

The elderly woman sniffled and looked at the shattered pieces of the heavy vase she'd attacked Elena with. "Pity, though," she said with a sigh. "I liked that vase." Shrugging, the woman stepped over Elena's prone form and hurried through the house, anxious to leave before Elena's comrades came looking for her.

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Reno jerked his hand back with a scowl. "That little demon just bit me!" he exclaimed. "Did you see that?"

Tseng sighed. "I told you, they don't like most people," he replied. "Especially not men. Now stop trying to make friends with them before we have to waste a potion on you."

"But I don't look like a man, right now, I look like Elena," Reno protested. "Oh, wait—ugly suit, butch haircut…no wonder you think I'm a man, kitty cat!"

"Speaking of Elena, she's been gone a long time," Rude commented. "Do you think we should go in after her?

"It has been almost thirty minutes," Tseng agreed. "It shouldn't have taken Elena this long to talk the woman into putting on some clothing."

Reno grinned. "I don't know about that," he replied. "Once it took her a good twenty minutes to decide whether she wanted fries with her burger. And then, when she finally got the fries, she didn't eat them."

"This isn't the same situation, Reno," Tseng said with disapproval.

"Fine, fine, I'm just saying…waiting another ten minutes might save us from having to look at elderly nudity for the second time today," Reno answered, shrugging.

"Although I understand your hesitation, I don't agree," Tseng replied firmly. "Come on—we won't get anything done by standing out here."

The three Turks re-entered the house, looking around for any sign of either the elderly woman or Elena. "Perhaps we should split up," Tseng suggested. " Reno, you and Rude can check the front rooms of the house, and I'll head toward the back—"

"No need," Rude interrupted. He was crouched just in front of the hallway with an impassive expression. "I found Elena," the bald Turk announced, gesturing with one hand.

Tseng and Reno walked over to join Rude, kneeling beside Elena. "Ooh, not good," Reno commented with a frown. "I hope we don't switch back until that lump on the back of her head is gone, though."

" Reno!" Tseng snapped with an annoyed glance at his coworker.

"Sorry, Tseng," Reno said, giving his boss a shrug. "I'm just saying."

"What should we do with her? We can't just let her lay there," Rude pointed out.

"Hey, look at this," Reno said, picking up a small scrap of paper laying on the floor next to Elena. He squinted at the tiny print.

Tseng turned his gaze from Elena to Reno. "Well? What does it say?" he asked.

Reno frowned. "It's small print, but…I think it says…" He held the paper closer to his eyes. "'Go to Nell'," he announced at last.

"'Go to Nell'?" Tseng repeated incredulously.

Rude took the paper from Reno and glanced down. " Reno, I think that's an 'H,' not an 'N,'" he informed Reno as he held the paper out to Tseng.

"An H? Then it says 'Go to…' Oh! That makes more sense." Reno grinned. "Sorry."

Tseng looked somewhat worried. "I don't know why she'd leave a note like that…" he commented. "It's not like her at all."

"Not like who?" Rude asked. "Who, exactly, is this person? It's obvious you know her."

"I do," Tseng replied, sighing. "She's my grandmother."

"Whoa!" Reno exclaimed. "Your grandmother's a nudist? How could you just let us walk in on her like that?"

"She's not a nudist," Tseng answered quickly. "At least…not ordinarily. I don't know what's gotten into her. She's never hurt anyone before, and she doesn't use profanity."

"You think your grandmother is responsible for Reno and Elena's…ah…situation?" Rude asked. "That seems a little farfetched."

"Ordinarily, it would," Tseng agreed, standing and dusting off his knees. "Has Elena shown any signs of waking?"

Rude glanced at Elena. "Her breathing's a little less deep. She'll probably come around within the next fifteen minutes or so."

"If she's not awake in five, wake her up yourself," Tseng replied.

"What's the big rush, Tseng?" Reno asked in surprise. "I mean—how much harm could one naked little old lady do, right?"

"Look at your reflection and then ask me that question again," Tseng answered dryly.

Reno frowned. "I see your point. What—is your grandma some kind of witch?"

"Not exactly," Tseng replied. "But she promised the family she'd stop doing her magic, especially because she's somewhat senile." Tseng looked down at the scrap of paper. "Given that her personality has taken an uncharacteristic and apparently hostile turn…"

"You don't know what she's capable of doing," Rude finished.

"So there's a crazy, magic-wielding, naked old lady who might be about to wreak havoc on Wutai," Reno said, standing up. "And then—the world!" he added theatrically.

"Something like that. I have to talk to her," Tseng said. "I'm sure that I can get her settled down…"

"What if you can't?" Reno asked. "What if she goes completely nuts and switches you and Rude's bodies, or something?"

"Then you'll have to get used to going into the women's bathroom," Tseng answered with a hint of amusement. "But I don't think it'll come to that. My grandmother's not naturally vicious…she's probably just scared, and confused."

"It still sounds as though we need to get out of here as quickly as we can," Rude spoke up. "I'll go get some water to wake Elena up."

"I'll go get a blindfold, so that I don't have to see your grandma naked again," Reno added. "This is going to be one weird day…"

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**_Chapter Eleven Preview:_**_ The Turks try to find Tsengie's nude runaway grandmother (it's harder than you'd think!) and attempt to discover why she's being so hostile. Does she have any intention of switching Reno and Elena back at all? _

_Please review :)_


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